Information on Social phobia / social anxiety

I'm 24 and have been suffering from Social phobia for 3 years.

I think its an effect of my Mum's Death when I was 18. I tried to ignore it, when it began, but the panic attacks grew so intense that I was forced to give up my job. I eventually only left the house when I had too (and that was a huge mission in itself). My life was so terrible I wanted to end it - I lost contact with everyone except my close family who scarcly recognised the person I'd turned into. I did nothing except cry all day and panic about everything. When things had got so bad I went to stay with my Dad for two months to get away from the pretence that everything was normal. We talked lots and I came to the conclusion that I had to fight for my life.

So for the past year I have taken little steps: gone to the shop, taken the bus/train, walked into a pub alone, had conversations with my peers, got a job - and its continued from there. I still get anxious about things (not as bad as I used to), but I make myself do them anyway. There's one big hurdle i can't seem to get over though: having a relationship, I'm too scared to go on the first few dates. But I'll write again once I've managed it

I hope you find the strength to fight too - we don't have to live a life of anxiety.

Aimi

I have had social phobia/GAD since childhood especially starting school.

This was over 35 years ago so at that time I was just labelled as 'shy'. I think it is just taken for granted that as individuals we are able or expected to somehow mix well or feel comfortable about ourselves in public. Yet, in fact it is a complex process and I think I grew up feeling insecure because of background issues such as fear of violence and pressure to conform to what is expected behaviour. School then reinforced conformity and discipline. I think this led to further problems as schooling tended to focus on learning/education rather than emotional needs. If emotional needs aren't being met at home or at school, then what happens?

I remember feeling very lonely and anxious and socially insecure. I was also really afraid of teachers, especially if they were strict as this mirrored my homelife. Teachers did have concerns but still labelled me as 'shy' which I felt just made matters worse because it reinforced a label that stuck to me. This was like being stereotyped or stigmatized amd made me feel even more self aware. My feelings however were not taken seriously at home.

Despite all this, I just got on with things and I am 'normal' socially and am a friendly person, but recently I have started to feel more isolated. I still feel that there is this sense of feeling inadequate and vulnerable - almost like being a young child again.

ANXIETY UK has been around since I was growing up and it would have been so nice to have received help - I only wish someone had told me about ANXIETY UK when I was younger! I am trying to get help through counselling now and also through ANXIETY UK via their online services, and hope my experience will help others to realise that they are by no means alone.

Aimi

I self diagnosed my problem without help - this wasn't too hard.

I'm 31 and have suffered from social phobia for about 10 years since leaving the army. I feel that leaving a secure place I knew where I was surrounded by friends started my phobia. Recently over the last 2 years my phobia has become a real concern and has got worse. This has mainly been due to me going through a rather messy divorce and at the same time I started a college course. So a number of issues along with me finding out that I was dyslexic while at college, have really made life hard. I recently started seeing someone and this is proving to be a barrier in my enjoyment of where I can go and feel comfortable. Some days it's better and others unbearable. I feel there is a total lack of understanding by GPs and society as a whole. How this affects me is that one minute I am calm and the next I feel my heart pounding and I begin to sweat. It is now made worse by feeling people will look at you because you are acting different and sweating. This is of course not the case but the more I ponder on these thoughts the worse it becomes. To finish, I will say that I still go out and am determined to beat this. Maybe doing a self analysis on yourself when out may help, but one thing is for sure, stress certainly brings it on and maintains it.

David

I speculate that social phobia has always existed in my life, but the symptoms only became abundantly clear to me when I was 12 and I was finding it very hard to go to school.

I was always crying, sweating, shaking and having panic atacks. I sought help, and would like to say that my problems were starting to get better, but in fact they got worse, and I missed most of my 3 years at school due to authorised and unauthorised absence. Between 12 and 21 I attended many groups for children and teens, saw countless psychologists, doctors and even attended a psychotherapy day group for nine months, but I wasn't feeling any better. I have been seeing my current counsellor for 2 years and with their less clinical approach I have been gradually making progress, and although I'm still not able to do the things that I would like to with ease, I am gradually finding things a little easier. I am also finding that when I have panic attacks they are not lasting as long and I seem to recover quicker.

I regard myself as being pretty much housebound and although all I have been able to do lately is go swimming and attend a couple of groups a week, in addition to seeing my counsellor, I feel I have made some progress and am very proud. However, situations come up again and again and I guess that's why I'm writing. It is hard to give yourself praise when continually difficult situations are presenting themselves. I would say trying to stay on top of things is the hardest thing I have ever had to do alongside suffering with depression and anxiety. Just today I was thinking how managing social phobia is almost like how it must feel trying to stay off drugs. How nice it would be to stop trying and just say "you know what, I can't do this anymore, its too hard", and stay in my house and not attempt to get better. However there is the other side of me that is willing me to just stay with it until the attacks finish, or try to find another way besides hiding away to cope with it. But in some ways I think it's harder because with a drug, or OCD (which I have also suffered with), there is often something to avoid doing - like not buying the drug, or not flicking the light switch, but with social phobia there is nothing to put in the drawer or focus on because it is all within you. Maybe I've given a bad example but that is how I am feeling today. Some days it feels like I don't know how I have done some of the things I can sometimes do, and on other days, I don't know how I ever managed to do anything. Like they tell you in any form of therapy, one day at a time - but it is so hard when the one day you are focussing on is hard. These are the sort of days when you just need someone to understand. I guess we all have those type of days.

Lousie

My home life was always turbulent, since as far back as I can remember.

Turbulent and violent, and although I had a loving mother, I also had a bully of a father who made me feel pathetic and inadequate. When I look back, I guess that social phobia really started to affect me when I started high school. I remember always being 'ill' and having headaches, which at the time I used as an excuse to miss school, but that I now believe to be a physical symptom of a mental health problem. I've never liked the way I look and feel that people judge me and are looking at me. At school, I used to have anxiety attacks and start hyperventilating whenever I felt people were watching me. Despite feeling so useless and inadequate, having no self esteem and no confidence, I managed to get a place at university. However, my social phobia is still here. I starved myself the first couple of months at uni because I couldn't eat in front of people. I had to wait until I was in my room. And that still affects me two years on. When I feel really bad, I self-harm and, given the chance, I could quite happily never leave the house. I hate people looking at me and something as simple as popping over to the shops requires so much effort and preparation.

It is only recently that I discovered the term 'social phobia'.. up until then I thought I might have agoraphobia or something, or just be going mad. But I think that social phobia fits better with what I feel and go through. I guess that this is my first step towards doing something about it, telling people about what I'm feeling so that, hopefully, I can start to beat this.

Sarah

I would like to share my experience of social phobia as it has been up to my current age of 24 years.

I was always outgoing and confident when I was young but I began to get very depressed in my late teens around the same time that my parents split up. By about the age of 18 I began to have what I now know is a panic attack. However, they happened very infrequently and didn't seem to interfere with my life too much. It was when I was 21 and in my final year of a teaching degree that the panic attacks began to get a lot more frequent. It was very hard to admit to myself and others what was happening to me. I was so embarrased and ashamed of my problem that I wrote a letter to my boyfriend telling him, rather than do it face to face. Anyway these panic attacks have continued for the last few years, gradually escalating out of control. At first I found eating in a restaurant would bring it on but it got to the stage where I could not eat at a table at home with a family member without having a full blown panic attack. It has interfered with every aspect of my life and got to the stage where I had to give up my teaching job. It was only whilst surfing the net recently that I stumbled across information on social anxiety, something I had not heard of before. I cried with relief as it dawned on me that this is exactly what I have. It just felt such a comfort to realise that what I have is properly recognised and that I'm not just a freak. I also realised that if something called social anxiety has been recognised, then there must surely be a way of treating it. From then on I have spent a lot of my free time researching what I have. I have bought an amazing self help book on social phobia and although I am only half way through it I can already feel my thoughts changing, and as anyone with any phobia knows, thoughts are the problem. As I sit here with my orange wristband on, I feel ready at last to tackle the problem head on. I'm not sure how yet but I will continue to research the subject and push myself forward a little bit every day.

Melissa

I was a fairly quiet child and despite my attempts to be friendly and sociable I was bullied quite extensively at senior school.

In my late teens I realised that the majority of my 'friends' were using me as a money-lending service, or as a source of amusement where I would dance and humiliate myself and engage in fatuous displays in order to ingratiate myself to the group. One by one I excluded these people from my life until I was left with a core of genuine friends. However by my early 20s I was experiencing increasing anxiety when talking to people and found myself becoming more introverted, particularly when talking to women. I experienced my first panic attack at a supermarket checkout around this time. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack; my mouth went dry - I was repeatedly swallowing, I virtually lost the power of speech, all my senses become blurred, and my hands were shaking so vigorously when I handed the cash to the checkout girl that I nearly tore the £20 note in half. I haven't been able to return to that supermarket since for fear of seeing her again, despite this having occurred over 3 years ago. I now experience varying degrees of anxiety and panic in any of the following situations: a shop assistant initiates a conversation, talking to neighbours, using the telephone (I never answer the phone), signing for a parcel-delivery, being asked for directions/the time, encountering old friends. Any of these instances can excite anything from heightened tension to a full nauseating panic attack. If the person I'm talking to is of my generation then the likelihood of anxiety is greatly increased. I'm 24 now and studying with the Open University, and whilst I'm not a recluse I've lost contact with all of my friends, and will actively avoid any situation where I have to engage with another human being for more than a few seconds. I love going to galleries, museums, restaurants, the cinema, but am incapable of forming any new relationships and the thought of a garrulous stranger approaching me is enough to fill me with trepidation. And yet despite all this I remain confident about my future prospects and that one day I will conquer this dreaded disease.

Simon

I was 18 when my social phobia started.

I had recently ended a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend and suddenly felt very insecure. It was about the same time that I had a severe outbreak of acne. I am not sure if it was stress related but that was the trigger and from then on I became a completely different person, going from a confident, happy go lucky person to something completely the opposite. I began having very bad panic attacks, started blushing profusely, and I started shaking and getting excruciating headaches before having to go out somewhere. I found a way of coping which was to wear a thick layer of makeup - a mask to hide behind. I was terrified of people staring at me or noticing that I was blushing or sweating and it got to the point that I wouldn't face these situations at all because they made me feel too ill. I am now 35 and 'phobic free'. I am confident and happy with myself as I am now. I was phobic for 9 years but I had the strength to pull myself through and come out the other side. I learnt that changing my thoughts was the only way to overcoming my phobia and that I had to learn to accept myself and care less about what others thought of me. Healing is a gradual process, but slowly the panic attacks subsided and I began to enjoy the social events and not hide from them. However most of all I found that having my husband's support has provided me with a tower of strength. I haven't had a panic attack in over 8 years. I still blush but I have learnt that this is normal. I still get nervous in certain situations but this too is normal and it no longer has an effect on me. I wrote to ANXIETY UK all those years ago to find penpals with similar conditions, and to this day, I still write to a lady who too is phobic free. We have been friends for 17 years in fact.

I wanted to share this with you all because I am proof that life exists without panic attacks and social phobia.

Karen

Hello, I attended a stress/depression group but never felt any better within myself.

My GP referred me to the mental health team and on Tuesday I saw a social worker who said I have got social phobia - rating me at 'the higher end of the scale'. She was really nice and I felt that she understood me. She suggested that I see a psychologist but informed me that I will have to wait 12 months. I'm frightened of what this will involve but am willing to give it a try. I've always struggled with shyness and have never felt like I fit in with people. The social worker said I've got no self esteem and need to learn to be assertive. When I have to speak to people in authority its torture. When there is a group of people I never know what to say even if I know them. I worry about saying the wrong thing and often say nothing. I don't know how to make interesting conversation. I often feel like a freak. I was bullied at school and have gone on to get bullied in the workplace. I blame myself for this. I don't think anyone really likes me and its painful. I'd do anything for anyone I just wanna be popular and liked. I'm constantly worrying what other people are thinking of me. I analayse everything I say and do. I feel anxious most of the time I am out of my home. When I see my neighbours I panic. They are pleasant enough people but I feel so nervous when I see them. If my phone rings I won't always answer it because I'm scared of talking on it. When I'm in a shop I feel everyone is watching me. I avoid crowded places and can't eat a meal in front of others. I get so embarrased over nothing and I'm very sensitive. I went to college recently to do a short course. I try hard to do things to improve my confidence. I hate the person I am and know I'm a failure. I am very lucky in having three close friends who often describe me as 'shy' to others. I wish I could tell them of my diagnosis but I can't. I might loose their friendship. I feel so ashamed of myself and often think like a pathetic child.

I'd do anything to be confident. Thank you for reading this.

anon

I was always shy at school and hid away in classes only speaking when I had to; avoiding the spotlight in the classroom.

The first time my problem showed itself physically was in class when asked to read a passage from Shakespeare. I was sitting at the front of the class and felt all eyes on me. I stated to blush, then sweat, then stutter and falter. This made everyone stare and made things worse. The teacher said 'dont you want to read this?' thinking I was deliberately messing around and asked someone else to take over. This experience left me open to ridicule by classmates and made me even more shy, confused and unwilling to participte in any activity.

It was the same talking to girls, I got embarrassed, blushed, sweated, said something daft and fled. I must have appeared very rude and diffident. At best I appeared painfully shy.

All through college I kept out of the limelight and the same when I started work in the Civil Service. I continued like this for 20 years with the problem getting worse and worse until one day I could no longer hide it from others.

By now I was a team leader/project manager and had many responsibilities. I was under a lot of pressure and I hated going to meetings always feeling sweat on my body but apparently I was good at my job. The pressure grew until at one meeting I found I was sweating profusely on my forehead. I was always very fit but here I was sweating more than from any running I did. It was actualy dripping off my face. Everyone could see that not only was I embarrassed but I was making everyone else uncomfortable in seeing this. Eventually I made some excuse and ran.

After that I found the same happening in all situations where I was the centre of attention. It would happen in the queue in the supermarket or at the checkout in any shop if there was someone else around. I had some dreadful experiences in the barbers if anyone was waiting behind for their turn. Meetings at work were horrific and even talking to colleagues left me dripping with sweat and making excuses to run away.

I couldn't make a phone call at home or at work without sweating profusely. This was without anyone able to hear me at my end. I never made a call when I could be overheard.

I was so worried about this happening that I did't go out at all; I had no social life, my work suffered. What was wrong with me? No one else had problems like this. I tried explaining to a friend - they didn't understand and said that everyone gets nervous at times.

Eventually I went to a doctor (an ordeal in itself) and he gave me Seroxat. It didn't help and I didn't like the idea of chemicals messing with my brain. I then spent a small fortune on self-help books and tapes plus natural remedies, meditation and visits to a hypnotist. In a couple of years I spent several hundreds of pounds but nothing worked. Each time I tried a different approach I started all enthusiastically but hope always was dashed at the next meeting or shopping expedition.

I know we are all different and that differnt strategies will work for different people and eventually I found something that helped. I won't say I am cured because I believe like a reformed alcoholic a relapse is always possible.

It is possible that other approaches may have worked but I just wanted this problem gone immediately as each attack is such a debilitating experience and makes you feel so worthless. Also it is so frustrating as you know how much better life would be without it. And maybe that was the key to it.

I'd read about positive affirmations and maybe telling yourself you can do all the things you want helps, but actually visualising yourself succeeding was the key. Actually seeing yourself succeeding, seeing others seeing you succeeding, imagining how good life would be when the problem was gone. Running these scenarios in your mind gives confidence but how do you handle the physical symptoms? The answer appeared to be - breathing correctly, sitting quietly and breathing deeply and slowly, maybe 6-8 times a minute brings a feeling of calmness. I practised this several times a day.

But this still wasn't enough as I had to prepare for each situation. At the start of each meeting or joining a queue in a shop I had to remember to control my breathing well before the point the panic usually set in. Also pretending to be a confident person helped. Imagine the other people were seeing a confident person standing before them - and it helped There were the occasional relapses; maybe I hadn't started my breathing control in time or hadn't prepared by imagining a confident me but now I had a strategy to cope The nervousness and apprehension are always with me, but now I've got a much better chance of getting through.

My last project at work was a very high profile, high pressure task involving many meetings and giving presentations. I succeeded but it was always very difficult. The nights before meetings always brought visions of previous failings but I know I'm better than before and I'm slowly building up a record of successes.

I started by saying that maybe I have not been as successful as others because I know I'll never be free of this but I feel I can now mostly cope. Also now I don't have the same pressure on me as I've taken an escape route and taken an early (very early) retirement and I do part time outdoor manual work where it doesn't matter if you sweat.

Throughout my career I've always had to set aims and targets. I have always aimed to beat this but since discovering recently that I'm not alone in this, another aim is to help others. If my story helps or you would like more detail please contact me at: paulsanders@talk21.com

Paul

I have only recently self diagnosed myself with social anxiety.

Before this I believed I was the only person with this problem so it is reassuring to find out that it is a recognised medical condition.

My troubles started when I was around 13. I became really quiet in certain situations and would blush if I was made the centre of attention. These symptoms slowly became more and more intense. Now at the age of 19 I have had a bad last year with virtually all situations becoming a dilemma with me blushing, trembling and going blank as I did recently just going through a checkout.

This has meant I have stopped seeing my friends and I avoid nearly all situations that could make me feel uncomfortable. I am also depressed which is complicating and worsening everything. I have built up the courage to go and see someone and have been referred through my GP so hopefully I will be able to start improving my quality of life very soon.

Adam

The experience of social anxiety that really sticks in my mind is being at university and confidently putting a good piece of work together with a group of classmates, then having to talk about this to the rest of the group.

Without warning, my mind was somewhere else and I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying. All I could think about was all those faces staring at me and judging me. I could feel myself blushing and sweating and stumbling over my words and I just wanted to run and hide. However, running to me would have been even more embarrassing than getting through it as quickly as possible: again leading me to stumble over my words and contribute to how much of a failure I felt afterwards. The experience above is a good reflection of what I feel in most situations when I am the centre of attention: if someone asks me a personal question, if I have to ask for assistance in a shop, sometimes when I'm just paying at the till and sometimes just because I'm worrying that I'm going to be in a social situation where I know I'm going to blush, sweat and shake. I try not to avoid social situations despite my anxiety but this often means that afterwards I feel quite down because I am not able to control the feelings, despite knowing in my heart of hearts that I'm not a total failure when it comes to other people. Most people that I have told about my anxiety are actually quite surprised as they don't actually notice the things that I worry about like sweating and saying the wrong things. This is probably hope for us all. In terms of treatment, I also had a long wait for therapy. It was about six months before I was assessed and about another six months until I was seen. I'm now on another waiting list for psychotherapy to try and look at some of the underlying issues which may have lead to the problems I'm having now. I had CBT with a therapist and despite being a difficult process and not feeling that I had achieved much, I now try and use the techniques I learnt every day and it does help. I always try to think of an alternative thought to anything that could be described as negative. I imagine what the people I love would say instead of what I'm thinking and it's helped me to be kinder to myself. It is not a quick process though and I often feel that once I've taken a step forward, I take some more back. Certainly, this time of year is particularly difficult as depression also tends to set in. I had tried anti-depressants prior to having CBT but really suffered with side effects. I often consider whether I should try again with them as there is evidence that social phobia could be the result of chemical imbalances in the brain. I often come to this site to read the statements as they make me feel that I'm not a total failure. Other people out there feel the same way and are certainly not failures either.

Emma

I have always felt that something is very wrong and that somehow I am always struggling to feel OK.

I am a nice enough person, fairly intelligent and left to my devices I'm happy enough but there is this problem with socialising and meeting other people that seems to haunt me and keeps me under its thumb. Social situations that other people enjoy and look forward to can be a horrible ordeal for me. Things like parties and pubs, talking to cool people, shopping, going to the hairdressers, going on weekend trips away or even going to visit my family are things that always worry me and I don't like doing. If someone asks me out I always say no. If someone asks me to do something sociable, I always hesitate with lots of umms and ahhs trying to figure out if I will be ok. Sometimes even though I'd like to find a plausible excuse I end going and feeling horrible, looking miserable and spoiling it for everyone. Sometimes its OK but I can never feel confident that it won't be an ordeal. To other people I probably come across as moody or irritable. The rest of my family, apart from my dad, are all very confident people and don't really understand my problems with social phobia, I have always been sort of patronised, patted on the head and labelled as shy. Now I'm in my early 30s I'm trying to break out of it a bit, and I've started a more demanding job as a teacher (I've always had low responsibility jobs) but my SP is making things tough as I find it so hard to talk to the other staff and going into the staff room is something I have to force myself to do. Meetings too, forget it. I sit there furiously shy and crimson in the face taking absolutely nothing in. I have only been there for a year and I am already getting a reputation for being not much of a team player. I am going to try and get some treatment, right now I can't imagine life without this sp thing and I am not very optimistic that I can be cured. But I don't want to carry on acting as though nothing is wrong. Enough is enough.

Debbie

I've only just discovered that what I've been suffering from for as long as I can remember is a type of social phobia.

For years I thought my problem was stupid and weird. I find it almost impossible to phone people, particularly strangers, but really the problem extends to anyone who I'm not extremely close to, even aunts and cousins. I'm terrified of being judged and making some sort of mistake. I'm also scared of eating in front of anyone except my closest friends and family for the same reason. It's really starting to have a negative impact upon my life. For example two days ago a cash machine swallowed my debit card, but I still can't bring myself to make the phone call to fix the problem. I find it physically impossible. My family are getting angry at me and I'm getting angry at myself. I just hope I can start sorting my life out. At least now I know I'm not alone, and that there is a name for what is having such a detrimental effect on my life.

Jenny

I am 23 years old and I have suffered from social phobia for the past ten years.

During the worst times I would avoid going to parties, speaking in a staff meeting and having relationships. I finally plucked up the courage to talk to my GP and I explained my symptoms. I was sweating and blushing to the extreme and I felt like this was ruining my life.

I was referred to the hospital where I ended up having an operation called a 'chemical sympathectomy'. This seemed to help my blushing a lot. I still feel that I need further help because I still panic that I am or might blush in social situations. I just wish I had of spoken up earlier.

Stephanie

I 'self diagnosed' social anxiety about three years ago, but I have spent most of my life feeling like something is not quite right.

I didn't have a very good time at school - I was more excluded than actually bullied, but I always hated anything that involved drawing attention to myself. I think for a long time I labelled it as shyness, as everyone else did, and assumed I would grow out of it. It started to become more of a problem during sixth form college, and I thought everyone else was a lot cooler than me and that I would never fit in. I would avoid going into the canteen, and hated having to walk past groups of other students, I always felt they were looking at me and thinking I was weird.

It was assumed that I would go to University because my older brother had done, and all my friends were going. The thought of going away - and everything it involved - filled me with fear. I managed to get interviews, but I just didn't turn up for most of them, and the ones I did go to went very badly. I decided I would take a year out and try again, but the next lot of interviews came round and I was still just as scared. By now I was also very depressed, and the idea of getting stuck in a rut at such a young age scared me almost as much as the thought of going to Uni did, so I decided it was 'kill or cure'. Looking back now I can't believe I did it. I managed to get a place on a course that nobody else wanted to do, so the interviewers weren't being too fussy. I think I was hoping that the experience of going to University would help, but I just spent three years trying to fit in with the student lifestyle, which of course wasn't me at all, and again I found myself singled out as 'the weird one'. Even just getting on with my studies and day-to-day looking after myself was an awful struggle.

When I finished Uni, I found that nothing had changed at all, and the depression set in again as I realised that I would now have to find a job. I tried living with a friend for a few months, but because I wasn't working I got into debt. I just could not face a job interview. Thankfully my friend recognised my symptoms as depression (until then I had not thought about it in a clinical sense)and she talked me in to moving back home.

It was while I was looking for help with the depression that I found out about Social Anxiety. It was such a relief to know that my 'problem' had a name and was recognised, and that also helped ease the depression. I went to my GP, and eventually got some therapy. I am now working, but it is a very mundane job and I am still living at home. I would love to find a better job and be able to move out, but I still can't imagine being able to do that. I have seen a job advertised that I would love, but the idea of any kind of interview fills me with dread and I hate using the telephone. In many ways I am still very dependent on my parents, and being 26 now, that just doesn't feel normal.

I have just found this website today and found reading the other comments very moving, so I wanted to share my experience too. I haven't said much about my symptoms and the day to day difficulties - which are much the same as everyone else's - but rather this is about how Social Anxiety has really shaped my life. I hate the fact that it is such a dominant thing that affects everything I do. I don't really know if the therapy is helping - I have accepted that it is going to be a slow process. I do think that I understand myself better now, and I hope that this will help me get on with my life in the future. I like to think of myself as 'sensitive' - the anxiety comes as part of that, but it also has positive aspects, like being creative and a good listener. I think I will always be an anxious person, but I hope that I will learn to not let it get in the way.

What often frustrates me is that 'the general public' have no idea about this problem. The very nature of it means that you're never going to have someone speaking out about it. Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier if I could just explain to people that I have Social Anxiety, but they would probably think I was making it up, or tell me to pull myself together.

Catherine

My own social phobia started from a very early age, about 4, when my mother told me I used to hide behind the sofa when visitors came.

This phobia went on for years and it wasn't until 2006 that I recognised for myself that I had some sort of social phobia. For a number of years I was having panic attacks in crowded places and was even taken to hospital sometimes. I was hyperventilating etc. In fact I was frightened to open the door at times at home because I didn't want to have to meet or talk to anyone. I would run upstairs and let someone else in the family answer it. I stopped taking my wife out to social occasions in case I would have a panic attack. I am still experiencing difficulty in socialising, even though I am on Seroxat (30mg) and being treated for bipolar-disorder. Some days I find it hard to go out the front door in case I bump into my neighbour. I get so frustrated with myself and keep thinking that I might one day find that magic bullet. But I guess it just ain't going to happen presently, so I keep trying to think positive and take things one day at a time. I hope this may help someone.

Robert

I am 29 and have suffered from social phobia for as long as I can remember.

Most people call me SHY but I always knew that what I was suffering was much more than this. I can't even go out of the front door for fear that somebody may see me so I wait until after dark. I can't go to the shops unless my Dad is with me and even then my eyes don't leave the floor. Every time that the telephone rings I am filled with dread; my heart starts to race uncontrollably and just the thought of making a phone call terrifies me. I had to give up my job because of this. I don't think that I will ever be able to work again.

With the exception of my Dad, I haven't seen any of my relatives since I was 12. The moment that I see their car turn on to my street I escape to my room and lock the door. I sit on my bed trembling, not daring to make a sound until they leave. As for friends - I don't have any. I can't eat or drink in front of people so I eat alone in my room. The only person that sees me is my Dad but now I find myself spending more and more time alone in my room. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I tried going to my GP at my Dad's instigation but the experience was just too traumatic - after 2 mins in that excruciating waiting room I had to leave. I feel so empty and alone. I have often contemplated suicide, nobody would even notice that I was dead, except my Dad. It is so comforting to find so may people struggling to lead normal lives whist living in the grip of social phobia. Only those who have experienced this destructive condition can ever truly understand it's devstation.

Kimberley

I'm 24 and have been suffering from social phobia for 3 years.

I think its an effect of my Mum's death which happened when I was 18. I tried to ignore it, when it began, but the panic attacks grew so intense that I was forced to give up my job. I eventually only left the house when I had too (and that was a huge mission in itself). My life was so terrible I wanted to end it- I lost contact with everyone except my close family who scarcely recognised the person I'd turned into. I did nothing except cry all day and panic about everything. When things had got so bad I went to stay with my Dad for 2 months to get away from the pretence that everything was normal. We talked lots and I came to the conclusion that I had to fight for my life. So for the past year I have taken little steps: gone to the shop, taken the bus/train, walked into a pub alone, had conversations with my peers, got a job- and its continued from there. I still get anxious about things (not as bad as I used to), but I make myself do them anyway. There's one big hurdle I can't seem to get over though: having a relationship, I'm too scared to go on the first few dates. But I'll write again once I've managed it. I hope you find the strength to fight too- we don't have to live a life of anxiety.

Laura

This website has made me realise that I have a social phobia.

I would have never thought that I had this problem as I am actually a confident person when I have had a drink or when I socialise with friends. I drink however for dutch courage. I often use my mobile phone as a distraction when walking down the street and if I don't then I feel like people are looking at me. I am also convinced that when someone is whispering it is about me and this makes me quite a defensive person; always asking questions and thinking people are talking negatively about me.

Anon

I'm a recent self diagnosed sufferer of social anxiety disorder.

I've been visiting my GP for the last 5 years concerning a lot of mental health issues, such as panic attacks, depression, insomnia all of which I have pretty much met a wall of resistance from my GP. They have been very happy to give me prescriptions for a whole lot of drugs with there advice ranging from 'Get another job' to 'you’ll be on these tablets for the rest of your life', which is pretty tough to cope with when you are suffering from these problems. I’ve gone from being an outgoing sociable person with a high brow career to having no employment, and living locked away from the world in a small bedroom at my parent's house, where my family struggle to understand my problems, isolating me more from everyone else. All this has left my feeling lonely and very isolated; lots of times I have thought about committing suicide, but I realised that I didn’t have the courage to do it. Leaving me ill but unable to get help as apparently I have no problems, and unable to pursue a normal life due to my problems. The reason that I found the determination to research and self diagnose myself was NLP which I went privately for having 2 sessions. This helped change my very negative locked way of thinking and opened the possibility that my life can be different. This has been the only ray of light in my life in the last two years, and just knowing the condition that I have, that others suffer from it, and that I can get treatment through ANXIETY UK has been a massive relief. I know that things won’t be easy for me now but I feel that my life cannot get much worse than it is, and hopefully by speaking to people who understand my problem my life can only be up hill from here. If you’re in a similar situation I would urge you to research yourself, and seek help. Suffering alone is one of the worst things you can do, and I only wish I had researched my condition 5 years ago.

Chris

I have been afraid of meeting new people for as long as I can remember.

I don't like talking to people if there is more than one person in the room. I went to a party where my partner worked and my family was ushered through the doors with me waiting til last as I didn't want to have any attention on me. My daughter said to me the other day at school 'why don't you stand wtih the other mums?' and I said I didn't want to be with the other people. I've never had a job as I'm too afraid to talk to them. I get very shaky and nervous if I have to talk to anyone I don't know. I feel like I am not good enough to be with people and I really want to be happy. I used to be scared of eating out with my family and talking to people even on the internet, but I'm just about managing after 10 years. I am 32 - I've been stuck at home all my life and now I want to do something about it and not sure how. I want my kids to be different and not what I'm like. I am so frustrated and I just want my life back.

Donna

I've suffered from social anxiety for two years now.

I am only 19 and it has been a huge part of my life. It has affected every thing I do, from college, work to relationships. I am always checking to see if I look OK and always feel as if someone is laughing or talking about me. I feel as if am ugly and not worth much. I have no confidence in my work ( I work as a beauty therapist which makes this situation even harder). Being in the beauty trade I'm scared people will think I don't belong in it cause I don't have the looks. You may be thinking why I chose this career? Well beauty is an obsession to me, so I am very interested in my job. I have bad days where I can't go out the door, and if I do I suffer panic attacks which scare me to death. However when I have a good day I go back to being the bubbly girl I once was, and wish I could stay that way. I have been lucky to have had my strong family to help me . Along with my friends and my loving fiance (who puts up with so much). Although recently I have lost some friends because of it, I do know now who my real friends are - the ones that love me and keep me strong.

Julie

My phobia came to the surface about 16 years ago when I was asked to stand-up and read aloud my shorthand notes.

I had to say to the lecturer that I could not do it. Although I was totally mortified, when I think about it I don 't think that she realised I was panicking. The next time this happened was last year, I 'd started a new job and my boss asked me to read back some notes that she had written. I panicked and gave then to a colleague. This time my boss saw exactly what had happended and I felt totally mortified.

Elizabeth

I am 29 and self diagnosed myself with social phobia when I was around 24.

When I was in my late teens, I played with recreational drugs and alcohol and both of these enabled me to function in social situations as they masked my anxiety. Effectively, they 'numbed' my nerves and I was able to function normally. Now the social phobia comes in waves and I am about to seek advice from my GP again. Anti-depressants make me feel weird and I see them as a necessary, but last resort. This social anxiety makes me feel tense and I feel awful so I avoid any social situation which provokes my anxiety. I am now the Director of my own company and daily I find myself having to battle the anxiety. I can no longer hide from it and have had to seek help. Naming the problem in my opinion somewhat helps in that you know that there is treatment because it is a recognised condition. Also seeing that you are not the only one in the world that suffers with this type of anxiety helps me to feel normal, if for only a short while.

Jason

I'm 23 and have just discovered that I suffer from social anxiety.

It all started around the age of 11 when I began secondary school. I'd never had trouble making friends and was doing fine socialising until one day out of the blue a girl who I didn't know came up to me and asked me if I wore mascara? I replied 'no' and just laughed and walked off and never gave it a second thought - being a kid you tend to not let things bother you as much but as life went on, and more and more people kept saying I looked like I was wearing mascara - I eventually got really hung up on this issue. I still went out and had a a laugh with my mates but whenever a big social event came up like a rave or a party, I would avoid it like the plague thinking that my mates would be pulling girls whilst I would be standing there being all envious because I just couldn't bring myself to talk to girls in case they asked the dreaded mascara question - making me feel small in front of my friends. I got to 22 (and had been smoking weed heavily) and found that my problems were getting worse - probably because of the paranoia that the weed was making me feel. I now dread leaving the house - even just going to the shop to buy cigarettes is a no no as is travelling on public transport, going to pubs, clubs etc. I don't have a lot of friends and the two I do have I hardly see because they have got on with their lives and have relationships - something I yearn for. However the blushing and trembling that I experience is preventing me from ever meeting anyone because I am constantly thinking that people are judging me no matter how hard I try to think positively. Maybe one day I will get over this problem and its certainly comforting to know that my condition is recognised. I am going to see my GP this week and I see this as the first step on the path to getting better.

Gary

Hi. First of all I think like a lot of people this is one of hundreds of sites I have visited to try and understand myself a little more.

I have suffered for as long as I can remember. Finding out that there is a name for this condition is definitely one of the most comforting and emotional experiences I have ever had; it meant that I didn't have to beat myself up about my problem any more - there is a reason that I am like this, I am not a freak etc. One thing I have always been very aware of is the irrational side of social phobia - I knew there was no reason I should start shaking and going red when more than two people face me while I spoke (to name just one example), yet it feels impossible to shake off these physical symptoms. I have read all the definitions and quizzes I possibly can on social phobia and totally feel all my inner most personal fears that I would never tell anyone or fear that no-one would understand are often listed in front of me. Its quite strange reading other comments which I totally agree with particularly around controlled breathing. Believe me, I was the most skeptical person when it came to this but I found it such a liberating experience that I shocked myself. I also found controlling my breathing helped block out all the negative thoughts in my head that prevent me from engaging properly in conversation, as instead I have to concentrate on breathing. I am going to keep practising this and I have no doubt that this will have a positive effect on my confidence - which is a major step in coping with my problems. I do hope one day that I won't have to bother any more with doing stuff like this, and I refuse to let social phobia be a ball and chain round my leg for the rest of my life. I'm looking forward to reading about how other people cope.

K

I am writing this because I wanted to share the revelation I experienced earlier today.

I was out shopping and was browsing in a store when I came across a book. The title of which made me reach out and pick it up from the shelf. It was a book about overcoming social anxiety. I had never heard the term social anxiety before but reading through the first few pages had me nodding my head in agreement - wow this book seemed to have been written about me. Did I sweat profusely and feel anxious in social situations? Yes. Did I blush and stutter? Yes, knowing what I wanted to say in my head but hearing it come out of my mouth as a jumbled mess. Did I feel totally, completely and hopelessly socially inept? Yes, yes, yes . In those few pages I had found a name for something that has crippled me throughout my whole life. I am 37.

I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and grew up never feeling whole or worthy of anything good. I am always the odd one out. I can see now that this lead to me finding myself in one self destructive situation after another. I was very quiet at school and barely had any friends. I was written off as 'shy' (I HATE that word ). It was a lonely time and it didn't help that I was/am a very insular person. Everyone either thought I was weird, sullen or uninterested. I missed almost the whole first year of secondary school. The mere thought of going to school made me physically sick but I managed to drag myself through (I cried A LOT), get decent exam passes and begin studies for my A levels. This was when I met my first boyfriend. Shortly afterwards I became pregnant and the relationship became very violent. My self esteem, although always low, was by now non existent. I rarely left the house and when I had to, it was a horrendous ordeal for me. I would rather leave without buying what I needed than ask for assistance in a shop. When I had no choice but to approach a stranger I would get myself so worked up about it, it would bring on a headache. I would blush and sweat and mumble so I would be asked to repeat myself which only made things worse.

Moving forward, my life has been a struggle and continues to be to this day. Having children helped as I find that it has forced me to try and be more open with people. I don't want my children to suffer as I do - they are my motivation to be a better person. Unfortunately my eldest son has inherited some of my ineptness. He too finds it very difficult in certain situations, which makes me feel awfully guilty - but I am really trying to overcome some of my fears to make sure my youngest son remains the confident person he is. I'm doing what I can to integrate myself with what I see as enviably 'normal' people. It's hard but I will try to overcome this debilitating disorder. And now I've found a name for what I suffer from and that I am not the only one who suffers from it, it gives me hope for the future. I am going to do something constructive to overcome SA starting now. I wish everyone, whether they are at the beginning, the middle or the end of their journey, all the very best of everything. Thank you for your time and for sharing your moving stories.

Anon

I'm 47 and have suffered from social phobia since I was 12

It started at school one day. I was in the dining room about to put a fork into my mouth and noticed someone was watching me. I blushed, and my head started shaking uncontrollably. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I spent most of my teens, twenties and thirties terrified of eating and drinking in front of others and started abusing alcohol as a way to cover up my problems. Result: I could be blush and tremble free, as long as I was drunk. This is a horribly crippling condition. You feel so embarrassed and stupid at being out of control. I couldn't tell anyone, not even my husband. The phobias starting piling up so in the end I was petrified of public speaking, heights, flying, confined spaces, intimacy... you name it. In my late 30s I broke down at the GP surgery and the doctor prescribed antidepressants and a course of therapy. This helped enormously, and I'm glad to say I got over the eating phobia. I've even now conquered the flying and height problems. Two years ago I did some rock climbing and was so proud of myself. Of course these things do not go away altogether. I still have a terrible problem with blushing, but I just slap my face with foundation and on a good day I can look someone in the eye as if to say, OK, so I\'m blushing. So what? You have a problem with that? Some people look at me like I\'m a freak, but I just feel sorry for them for being so mean spirited. I also have a tendency to feel depressed, and the least little thing can throw me off balance. Six months ago I made myself stop drinking so I would have to confront all my demons head on. It's hard, however alcohol is a depressant, so without it the depression has got a lot better. I wake up with a clear head and I can focus more intensely on my goals. My greatest regret is that I feel I could have had such a happy, carefree and successful life without this terrible affliction. But you know what, this is what I am. The shyness is part of me. I don't think it will ever really go away. The affliction has given me a great compulsion to write, and I'm writing a collection of short stories. Without the social phobia, maybe I wouldn't have the need to do this. I believe people with social phobias tend to be self obsessed, but also tend to be more sensitive and creative. Maybe you cannot have one without the other. I hope this tale is useful to others with similar problems.

Lesley