Information on Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

I found out that I have BDD this week.

I was feeling down about my skin because I have picked at it so much these past weeks that my face is covered in red sores and scabs. So I was trying to find ways to break habbits - as i put it down to a bad habit. I came across an article about OCD and skin-picking was mentioned. I then bought Brain Lock - a self-help book for overcoming OCD. In this it mentions skin-picking as a form of BDD.

Today I have read about this book and discovered I have all the signs of BDD. I am glad to know that I have this because it's a starting point to coping with the problem/condition.

I have been living with the skin-picking for 14 years now, obssessing over it everyday. I always felt ashamed of it, embarassed, depressed and moody. As a teenager I wanted to die because I couldn't deal with having to go to school like it, but knew I had no choice.

I would stay in my room so that nobody could see my face. Ihen I am out, I wear my hair down so it covers some of the scars and marks and open wounds. Then I will just feel dirty, and I will check my face everywhere every chance I get - this could be every 10 minutes on bad days. Then I will wash my face every few hours when I get the chance.

I hate people looking at me and I feel self-conscious about my skin and about people thinking I am strange when they talk to me. I hate the wind blowing as it blows the hair off my face, so I walk along, trying to pull my hair back over it.

This problem has caused me a lot of problems. I dropped out of college twice when it got too bad too go in and I have taken days or weeks off work or college so I didn't have to face anyone. I also turned down an opportunity to be a teen model because I never knew when the bad days would happen and I dread having photos taken. I cancel days or nights out and I don't interact with people the way I want to. I can't wear my hair up even though i'd like to and I won't wear certain clothes because I feel it will draw too much attention to me and I don't want to be looked at. I don't like to stay at people's houses because I need to have total control over the bathroom, etc.

People must think I am mad and I get really upset about not being able to be myself because i'm so afraid of what people are thinking about me. Everyone comments on how pretty I am, but i'd rather they didn't because it draws more attention to me. I hate to walk down the street because men look at me and I hate it because I think of how disgusted they would be if they were closer up. Some people think I say these things because I like the attention and I want more compliments, but this is not the case.

On good days, I will only have one or two small sores on my face. However, the scars are there still and to me they still need to be hidden. I will spend a little less time worrying and washing and grooming but I will need to constantly check even if it's just feeling my face. I have never gone more than a few hours without touching my face.

One of my main regrets about this problem is that it preoccupies so much of my time, and I feel I do not give enough attention to my two young children and my partner. This causes a sense of guilt that can be so overwhelming it causes me to repeat the destructive behaviour again and again.

Some days - the bad days when my face physically hurts and the sores are very apparent, I don't even like my kids and partner to look at me. I get moody and am easily upset or agitated. It's bad because I love these people so much and I can't help my behaviour.

I have to wake up at 6.30am so nobody sees me before I have had a wash, put on my make-up and straighten my hair. The obsession has controlled and still controls my life and at 27, I want this to be dealt with so I can begin living.

Cheryl

I discovered that I had BDD at christmas.

I was told that I had depression but I knew it ran deeper than that. I had been teased about my nose and I tried to take an overdose on several occasions. It took its toll on me at xmas when one night people teased me and I took another one.

At the time I was gutted that I had woken up the next day and I could see no other way out. I wanted to punish the people who left me like this. Had it not been for them I would never have done it and I feel so angry at them for doing this to me.

It was after this that I went to see a counsellor. At the start I just told him that I was depressed but I could not tell him my inner most secret, which was that I loathed my nose and that I felt disgusted in myself and that I felt like a freak. He told me that it was depression and I was put on medication whilst continuing to attend counselling. At this time I was at my lowest; I couldn't go out and if I did go out it would only be when it was dark so that no-one could see me. I watched where I was sitting in a room, hoping that nobody noticed my nose. I still do this and don't think that I could stop doing this until I get plastic surgery. I always think about having it done but at xmas time I was obsessed with the idea.

Over the next few weeks I felt as if I could talk more about my feelings. I looked up personality disorders on the net and I came across a BDD site. I was overjoyed when I found out what was wrong with me, and that I wasn't the only person who had these compulsive and disturbing thoughts. I stopped taking my tablets in March and I felt better. I still have the same the same repetitive thoughts and actions, like checking and trying to make myself as decent looking as I can. I hope in sharing my experience of BDD it helps others.

Lisa

I have just read some letters from sufferers of BDD and I can relate to everything they say as I too suffer from this illness, and have done so since childhood.

I didn't know there was a name for the way I felt about myself until later on in life. I am now 52 years old but as a child I always felt different and awkward. I thought that no-one liked me and that I was being talked about and laughed at. I was also extremely self conscious which I think was due to having an illness that caused a problem with my lungs. I never liked myself and the way I looked. My Mum always made me have my hair cut short and I hated this. Even though she probably didn't realise at the time how this could affect me later in life, I believe it is because of this that I have such a hang-up about my hair now; if it doesn't look right, I won't go out. I feel very ugly and spend hours in front of the mirror checking my hair and my shape. This all makes me very depressed and I have bad thoughts about ending my life. My family have reassured me over and over, as has my partner. I've been called 'beautiful' and I've also been called 'ugly'. I am therefore confused about my appearance because some days I feel a bit better about the way that I look and can go out, whilst others it only takes a small comment from someone to really knock my confidence. I seem to rely upon people's judgment of me and I have even asked complete strangers 'why are you looking at me and laughing?'

I am getting more agoraphobic and will only go out with my partner now because I've had some bad experiences and my confidence is very low. I have a beautiful granddaughter and 3 grown-up kids who are wonderful, but they all have their own lives and I don't like to constantly ask for their reassurance and bother them with this problem. It makes them stressed and they cannot deal with it at times.

I am a member of ANXIETY UK and reading their booklets helps me a lot. However, I long for the day when I can forget myself completely and think of much more important things. The only assurance I have is that I am not the only one with this problem and my heart goes out to all that suffer as I do. Perhaps when I'm an old lady I might be able to have a bit more fun and maybe accept myself and be happy.

Thank you for reading my personal experience. I don't suppose I have helped anyone but I do think of people in the same position as me and wish I could help in some way. Take care.

Barbara

I'm 23 years old and I suffer from BDD as a result of having a problem with cystic acne on my face.

The acne started when I was around 14 years old and since then my life has been complete misery. I used to be a very confident outgoing lad before this and I was very popular with girls. I can barely remember what its like to have 'normal', clear skin but I remember feeling good about myself and being happy with the way I looked at one time.

I am fully aware that other people probably still see me as a good looking person, but when I look at myself I hate the way my skin looks and I don't want to go out. I became obsessed with picking at my skin, making it look even worse as my skin was always raw with scabs. All this happened at a very important time in my life when I was at school and college. I remember really not wanting to go into college looking the way I did and feeling so down. I was not aware that BDD existed but looking back now I was exhibiting symptoms a long time before I realised that I had the problem. I was constantly in the bathroom scrutinising my face and washing to try and make myself feel 'clean'. I became very depressed and avoided going out with mates because I felt so down about the way I looked. BDD has completely ruined my life and I'm extremely angry and bitter about it as I was planning to go to university after college but I could not cope because of all the problems the BDD and acne have caused me. It is a very serious problem that needs more attention from health professionals because young peoples' lives like mine are being ruined. Since leaving college I have been severely depressed, attempted suicide twice and things are not getting much better. I find it hard to hold down jobs, I can barely make eye contact with another person, I make excuses to friends to avoid social situations and most of my time is spent alone boiling with rage about how this has destroyed everything for me. Life is literally not worth living.

Health 'professionals' class BDD as being preoccupied with an imagined defect or problem. Severe acne is by no means an imagined problem, it is very real to the person and no one would be happy with pus exuding from every pore in their face. What other people think is totally besides the point because it is about how the problem affects the person involved. I am very angry about the disorder being classed as a form of hypochondria. The reality is I have a real problem with my skin which anyone would be annoyed about. It is not as if I have imagined the problem. Just because people cannot see that it looks that bad is not a scale to measure the severity and seriousness of the problem. I want my life back.

Matt

As far as I can remember I have always been conscious of my blemishes and scars; hiding my face behind makeup and shunning away from bright lighting.

I never let anyone see me without makeup because I feel naked without it. I feel that I am ugly and people will judge me. I have always heard comments that people find me pretty, but they see me behind the 'mask'. This obsession rules my life. I can't be seen without makeup; I can't go underwater when I swim. My fear would be to have to remove my makeup in public. If I am having a very bad blemish day, sometimes it will prevent me from going out, especially in daylight. I feel stupid and I know to family and friends it sounds absurd, but they just don't understand me. I feel alone in the way I'm feeling, but I'm sure other people are suffering to. I always believe if I could get rid of this problem my life would be so much happier and easier. It is my plight. I am even thinking of laser surgery, but am too scared to show my face to the surgeon and I am also worried about having to leave the hospital with no makeup. Im lost.

Lara

I know it eats me up.

I can not go out without makeup; I feel the skin on my face is disgusting and I sit and squeeze and pick at it and make a real mess of it. Then I have to stay in the house all week, not answer the door or phone, looking compulsively at my skin and/or taking pictures of it with my mobile phone camera. I will take work off sick or college. College is easier to not attend and I have dropped out of so many courses, I ruin my own life.

I need constant reassurance and when I'm feeling down about my skin I will repetitively ask my partner what my skin looks like, does it look bad? How bad etc. etc. I drive him crazy. I have missed so many things, nights out, events, etc. because of this.

I fear and think about what would happen if we had a fire or something happened in the middle of the night and I would have to go out with no make up and people would see my face bare with the large scabs I pick or scars that are there. I think what if someone close to me was in an accident or died and I have to go to hospital, would I be a bad person to apply make-up first? I mean, I know I would, but how would I get round this, or to be truthful, how could I hide this? - that I would be an hour or so before leaving so that I could wash and do make-up?

I have used a sun lamp so excessively on my face, without goggles, that my eyes swelled up so that I could hardly open my them. I went to the GP and was given some cream that would stop any infection in the skin.

I feel mental, and so stupid. Sometimes I say to people, my mum or partner, when I'm in for a week or so and skiving work, that I have BDD, but I don't think they understand what I'm trying to say or what it means. They tell me to stop picking. I tell them I can't and then tell myself its ok, because by next week my face will have healed and I promise myself I just won't do it again. But I do. If I HAVE to go somewhere, I'll put a plaster over my scabs. People just think I'm wacky and vain. I think seriously about going to my GP - but they are quite old school, they'd make me feel I was vain and a hyperchondriac. I have other stuff that I go to the GPs with quite a bit and I'd be sure they'd think I just want attention.

I don't. I just feel so stupid with myself. I hate myself. I've got to stop it. I'm 28 and never will get anywhere if I don't. I've got an interview next week and just am hoping my scabs will be healed by then.

Hannah