What is it?- DIY self diagnosis
- Want to know more?
- How we can help
- Phobias Information Video
- Personal experiences
What is it?
Social or public situations of any kind may induce this disorder which is often expressed as a fear of being the centre of attention, or of others noticing the sufferer’s anxious behaviour.
Social phobia can also be classed as ‘specific social phobia,’ such as when there is social phobia only in specific situations like public speaking. The fear of behaving in an embarrassing or humiliating way can lead to a complete withdrawal from social contact, as well as avoidance of specific social situations such as public toilets, eating out etc. The physical manifestations of this phobia include blushing, shaking and sweating etc.
DIY self diagnosis
If you can answer YES to most of the questions it is likely that you are affected by social phobia/social anxiety.
During the past 6 months:
- Do you worry a lot about embarrassing yourself in front of others?
- Do you worry about what people might think of you?
- Do you feel anxious in social situations?
- Do you worry about behaving anxiously in any of the following situations:-
- Public speaking
- Eating/drinking in front of other people
- Writing in front of other people
- Parties and other social gatherings
- Do you avoid any of the above situations because they make you feel anxious?
Anxiety UK strongly advises that people seek further information and guidance from their GP who will be able to make a formal diagnosis.
How we can help
Anxiety UK is a user-led charity with more than forty years experience in supporting those living with anxiety. By becoming a member of Anxiety UK, you will have access to a range of benefits, including:
- Access to reduced cost therapy within two weeks of submitting your therapy request
- Access to our helpline (available Monday-Friday, 9:30 am – 5:30 pm) staffed by volunteers with personal experience of anxiety
- Receipt of four issues of Anxious Times, our quarterly members” magazine
- Access to the members only section of our website, featuring regular support surgeries facilitated by anxiety experts
- Access to specialist helplines, including the psychiatric pharmacy helpline and the psychology information helpline
- And many, many other benefits that will help you manage your anxiety long term. To become a member of Anxiety UK click here or ring 08444 775 774 today.
Want to know more?
The Anxiety UK site has information on a range of resources to provide more detailed information and help.
Anxiety UK Publications
- Anxiety UK publishes a fact sheet and audio-tapes dealing with social phobia/social anxiety available from the Anxiety UK online shop
Recommended reading
“Overcoming Social Anxiety” uses real-life examples and cognitive behavioural techniques. This book attempts to help the reader unlearn bad habits and replace them with healthy ones. It outlines the nature of shyness, the symptoms and possible causes and explains how to deal with upsetting thoughts, overcome avoidance and manage symptoms of anxiety through relaxation, distraction and panic management. You can purchase this book from the Anxiety UK online shop by clicking here.
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Phobias Information Video
Personal experiences
Do you suffer from social phobia or social anxiety and want to share your experience with other people? Post your personal experience in the comments box below where it will be sent to our moderator for approval. Many people find this part of the site very useful when trying to understand their disorder so your comments really do make a difference. Please note, all comments submitted to the Anxiety UK website may be used by Anxiety UK for (but not limited to) publicity and promotional material.
If you would like to make contact with others who are living with similar experiences, you can do so via the Anxiety UK Pen-Pals scheme which is a service available to all Anxiety UK members (in both electronic and hard copy format).
I was 18 when my social phobia started.
I had recently ended a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend and suddenly felt very insecure. It was about the same time that I had a severe outbreak of acne. I am not sure if it was stress related but that was the trigger and from then on I became a completely different person, going from a confident, happy go lucky person to something completely the opposite. I began having very bad panic attacks, started blushing profusely, and I started shaking and getting excruciating headaches before having to go out somewhere. I found a way of coping which was to wear a thick layer of makeup – a mask to hide behind. I was terrified of people staring at me or noticing that I was blushing or sweating and it got to the point that I wouldn”t face these situations at all because they made me feel too ill. I am now 35 and “phobic free”. I am confident and happy with myself as I am now. I was phobic for 9 years but I had the strength to pull myself through and come out the other side. I learnt that changing my thoughts was the only way to overcoming my phobia and that I had to learn to accept myself and care less about what others thought of me. Healing is a gradual process, but slowly the panic attacks subsided and I began to enjoy the social events and not hide from them. I haven”t had a panic attack in over 8 years. I still blush but I have learnt that this is normal. I still get nervous in certain situations but this too is normal and it no longer has an effect on me. I wrote to Anxiety UK all those years ago to find Pen-Pals with similar conditions, and to this day, I still write to a lady who is also phobic free. We have been friends for 17 years in fact.
Karen
One person’s experience of the Endoscopic Thoracic Sympathectomy (ETS) procedure
I self diagnosed my problem without help – this wasn”t too hard.
I”m 31 and have suffered from social phobia for about 10 years since leaving the army. I feel that leaving a secure place I knew where I was surrounded by friends started my phobia. Recently over the last 2 years my phobia has become a real concern and has got worse. This has mainly been due to me going through a rather messy divorce and at the same time I started a college course. So a number of issues along with me finding out that I was dyslexic while at college, have really made life hard. I recently started seeing someone and this is proving to be a barrier in my enjoyment of where I can go and feel comfortable. Some days it”s better and others unbearable. I feel there is a total lack of understanding by GPs and society as a whole. How this affects me is that one minute I am calm and the next I feel my heart pounding and I begin to sweat. It is now made worse by feeling people will look at you because you are acting different and sweating. This is of course not the case but the more I ponder on these thoughts the worse it becomes. To finish, I will say that I still go out and am determined to beat this. Maybe doing a self analysis on yourself when out may help, but one thing is for sure, stress certainly brings it on and maintains it.
David
I have had social phobia/GAD since childhood especially starting school.
This was over 35 years ago so at that time I was just labelled as “shy”. I think it is just taken for granted that as individuals we are able or expected to somehow mix well or feel comfortable about ourselves in public. Yet, in fact it is a complex process and I think I grew up feeling insecure because of background issues such as fear of violence and pressure to conform to what is expected behaviour. School then reinforced conformity and discipline. I think this led to further problems as schooling tended to focus on learning/education rather than emotional needs. If emotional needs aren”t being met at home or at school, then what happens?
I remember feeling very lonely and anxious and socially insecure. I was also really afraid of teachers, especially if they were strict as this mirrored my homelife. Teachers did have concerns but still labelled me as “shy” which I felt just made matters worse because it reinforced a label that stuck to me. This was like being stereotyped or stigmatized amd made me feel even more self aware. My feelings however were not taken seriously at home.
Despite all this, I just got on with things and I am “normal” socially and am a friendly person, but recently I have started to feel more isolated. I still feel that there is this sense of feeling inadequate and vulnerable – almost like being a young child again.
Anxiety UK has been around since I was growing up and it would have been so nice to have received help – I only wish someone had told me about Anxiety UK when I was younger! I am trying to get help through counselling now and also through Anxiety UK via their online services, and hope my experience will help others to realise that they are by no means alone.
Aimi
I”m 24 and have been suffering from Social phobia for 3 years.
I think its an effect of my Mum”s Death when I was 18. I tried to ignore it, when it began, but the panic attacks grew so intense that I was forced to give up my job. I eventually only left the house when I had too (and that was a huge mission in itself). My life was so terrible I wanted to end it – I lost contact with everyone except my close family who scarcly recognised the person I”d turned into. I did nothing except cry all day and panic about everything. When things had got so bad I went to stay with my Dad for two months to get away from the pretence that everything was normal. We talked lots and I came to the conclusion that I had to fight for my life.
So for the past year I have taken little steps: gone to the shop, taken the bus/train, walked into a pub alone, had conversations with my peers, got a job – and its continued from there. I still get anxious about things (not as bad as I used to), but I make myself do them anyway. There”s one big hurdle i can”t seem to get over though: having a relationship, I”m too scared to go on the first few dates. But I”ll write again once I”ve managed it
I hope you find the strength to fight too – we don”t have to live a life of anxiety.
Louise
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I have always been very shy when meeting new people especially men, I hate speaking writing and reading in public since i usually turn bright red. This year i missed my own graduation ceremony just so i could avoid being the centre of attention. I always thought that my reaction to these situations was normal. However, two days ago I went on my first job interview where I was interviewed by a very kind lady. What happened to me during the interview was very strange, when i was talking and answering questions my eyes began to water as if i was going to start crying. I tried to hold back my tears, and i found myself taking deep breaths in order to compose myself. Usually i don”t cry very often, but when the interviewer asked me why my eyes were watery i just burst into tears. I mean uncontrollable tears. After this happened i left and started to cry out of shame and embarrassment. This event has made me question why i reacted the way i did and has made me realise that i have tended to avoid uncomfortable social situations. I”m only 21 and i really want to find a job so that i can build my career but not my main worry is that ill burst into tears at every job interview. I know i lack confidence but i don”t think that this caused me to react the way i did. I am planning to see my GP so that i can get some help.
Hello Susie. You were obviously feeling overwhelmed by the situation and sometimes when that happens, we just can’t control our emotions. It happens to a lot of people (including myself) so please don’t dread future interviews because of what has happened. In addition to your GP, we are always here to help. Please ring the helpline for some advice on 08444 775 774. all the best! Terri (Anxiety UK)
I am 46 and have always been shy. I struggle to make friends and have never had a proper relationship with a man.
I recently found out about social anxiety when I found the book recommended on this page, and realised that this has been my problem all my life. I’ve been treated for depression for many years but nothing seems to make my life any better. I have no social life, and the one thing I would like the most, a loving relationship with someone who cares about me, has always evaded me. I’m sure that if I was happy, all my problems would be over.
I’m a likable, intelligent, attractive person, but I feel so lonely all the time. I’m currently off work because I’ve been feeling depressed and crying at work. I’ve just been prescribed ‘Sertraline’ which claims to treat social anxiety because I mentioned to the GP that I’d been reading about it. I’ve not tried this medication before, so it will be interesting to see if it does have any affect.
I’d love to be ‘normal’, but at least I now know I’m not the only one suffering.
Sarah
Hello Sarah and thanks for your message. One aspect of the Anxiety UK membership that many people like yourself find helpful is the ability to contact other anxiety sufferers through our Pen-Pals service. Members can find friendship with people who truly understand what it’s like to experience anxiety. Perhaps this is something that you would find helpful. If you’d like to join Anxiety UK, ring 08444 775 774 or click the join button on the homepage.
Best wishes for the future. Terri (Anxiety UK)
I am 22 years old and have been like this all my life. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been aware of myself in public. I was a fat child and always felt ugly and boyish at school. I was bullied all the way through primary and secondary school. Every couple of years I’d be pushed out of one group of friends and had to find another. It wasn’t until the last year of school that I started hanging out with some of my best friends, who understand me and make me feel totally relaxed.
I think my biggest problem is my love life. I have never had a boyfriend. I’ve never had sex and my only kisses were with strangers after far too much alcohol. I have always loved very deeply, and would love nothing more than to have a great man by my side, but the fear of actually going after someone makes me clam up. Even if I start off being perfectly happy and comfortable with a guy, the second I realise I have romantic feelings for him, I retreat and start overthinking everything; what does he mean when he says that? Does he find me attractive? Am I saying something stupid?
I am currently in a desperate situation. I have found someone really really lovely, totally unlike some of the losers I’ve fallen for (they would use the knowledge of my feelings as an ego boost and lead me on until they got bored of it, or they found someone hot to sleep with). This current man is the first man who makes me believe I could be a good mother. I’ve never wanted children, but I can even picture them in my head!
We used to laugh and banter whenever we saw eachother, and I always felt comfortable around him, exited and exhillirated, but that has now changed so much as he is now aware of my feelings for him. Someone else told him, and now I can’t even look at him. He barely comes in the shop when I’m working. Everything (with a rational mind) would lead me to believe that he is just busy working in another town this past couple of weeks, but my irrational mind has me thinking he is avoiding me. Of course he is! Why on Earth would such a great man want to have a weirdo like me on his arm? The thought of me fancying him must make his skin crawl!
In my heart I know I’m a very attractive woman. I have a lovely face, great bright hair, and an hourglass figure. It’s not that that makes me feel unworthy of a man’s love. I’m actually pretty vain sometimes. I don’t know why I feel like that. I just can’t seem to move forward and tell the man what my intentions are.
In general I tend to go from being the life and soul (on a good day, with my best friends around me) to a quivering, anti-social hermit. Last night I was at a party and couldn’t help but notice stupid things like I was the only one wearing lipstick, everyone else had their arms on show (I always cover up!). I only knew one of the girls in the group well, and sometimes I am fine with that, but last night, I felt so out of the loop. They were all dancing and chatting and I just sat there. The worst thing was they kept saying “cheer up” which made me even more conscious.
This is happening more and more, especially in situations where a current or previous crush is around. When I know that someone is aware I have/had a crush on them, I feel sick with embarrassment and rarely am able to talk to them normally. I feel I ought not to be around them in case they don’t want me there. It would surely remind them of my feelings which would make them uncomfortable too.
At this very moment I am meant to be at a pub quiz, but two big things made me stay home. 1/ An ex crush lives in the pub, so I didn’t want to see him (even though he invited me!!!) 2/ My current (I refuse to use the word crush about this one!) love interest will probably be there and I don’t feel like I am ready to speak to him as I know I’ll have to bring up the “yeah, so you are aware I like you, now. How do you feel about that?” topic.
I have been made to feel like I am not alone by reading these posts. So many of you have the same fears! Love, relationships, going to uni (I wish I could!), learning to drive and even answering the phone!
I hope that we can all learn to overcome this and live the lives we dream of.
Corinne.
My fear of public speaking is crushing me and limiting job opportunities. I have a chronic health condition, and it has turned an outgoing, confident person into someone who panics severely when faced with even the merest posiibility of having to speak in public. I have even walked out of an observed lesson during an interview because of this. Now that I am about to become a published author, I am terrified that I might make a fool of myself if I have to speak about it.
Hi. I am Rick and I have suffered from Social Phobia for years now. I am interested in your experiences of self help groups and I wondered if you can recommend any decent ones locally where I can get some of the help I need.
I’m not really sure if I have SA or if it’s just in my mind because a lot of people say that they shake; have panic attacks; start breathing rapidly or blush. I have only ever started shaking once or twice in a social situation when I felt really pressured. But I can’t bear to talk to strangers (or even some of my friends and family members) or even look them in the eye because I’m so afraid they’ll hate me or think I’m boring. I sometimes think I should say something or smile and say hello but then I think that they don’t want me there or that they’re pretending to like me so I say nothing at all and pretend I didn’t see them. I would like to know if I suffer from SA or if I’m just being silly.
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I can cope with total strangers, it doesn’t matter at all what they think of me since I may never see them again. But I have great difficulty speaking with people I know,
especially work colleagues in social situations. I’m fine when we’re talking just about work, but as soon as I’m expected to make any kind of conversation I fall apart. When I first enter a room I feel there won’t be a seat for me, or that I’m wearing the wrong clothes, or I’ve brought the wrong things. I have to work hard to control my breathing, and blush scarlet – I’ve been like this since I was about eleven, and I’m now sixty seven!
You evolve a strategy for dealing with it a lot of the time, but it doesn’t necessarily get easier. And my husband doesn’t understand though I think my kids do.
After reading through some of the comments left on here by others , i feel i can relate to a lot of the same experiences so heres a little about me !! I am now 33 i have suffered with anxiety since i was 9 or 10 !! Looking back to my childhood first of all my father was extreamly violent towards my mum i was the oldest of 3 children so allways had to take care of my siblings when my dad came home smashed the house up then beat mum up i would hear this on a weekly basis i think somehow this has left me in the state i now find myself in !! I remember one day been in town it was busy there were lots of people about i felt this flutter in my stomach then i started to feel shaky and panicky so i ran home went to bed and thought i will feel better tommorow !! I was confused , i wasnt sure what it was i wasnt aware of social anxiety at such a young age but as the years went by things just got worse from the age of 13 to 18 the feelings of nervouseness and self hate just completely took over my life i was so confused with the feelings of anxiety that i started to isolate myself from my family and friends i would lock my self away from the world and stay in my bedroom cause every time i went into public or was around people in a social setting i would go hot panicky and feel like s*** !! At nineteen i felt totally out of controll i couldnt see no way out of the way i felt so one day i went into the local shop and bought some tablets, sat in a park and took an overdose , i luckily survived it then went on to self harm and it goes on and on and on im now 33 im sat here feeling like s*** for the past week ive hardly been out i cant face anyone even talking to my parents on the phone is something i feel difficult im at the end of my tether again i have a banging headache which ive had for over a week i just want to feel normal for even a minute i seriously need some good help and advice ? But dont know where to start ??
Hi Paul,
You don’t have to be on your own with this – have you ever got the right help and support with your problems? I am wondering if some therapy might be a good option, you can call our helpline for advice on 08444775774, but if you don’t feel comfortable talking over the phone you can access our live chat service (available on the home page by clicking the ‘online support’ button. You have been through an awful time with your anxiety, but I know people who have had anxiety for many many years who have managed to recover and find a way to live with it. Your GP is also a good place to go for help, so please don’t be worried about going to see him. Also, if you do have those suididal impulses again, I would reccomend you go to A+E for an emergency assessment, they can fast track you into getting treatment. You can call NHS direct on 08454647 who can arrange emergency transport.
Best wishes
Cat (Anxiety UK)
Hi
I have been reading everyone’s comments with a lump in my throat. I can really can feel for everyone. My experience is very mixed. Most people who think they know me, think I am outgoing, warm and friendly which I can be, but as soon as I think someone wants to be my personal friend I panic inside and have learnt to put people off so that I don’t get involved. My social problems stem from my sexuality. I knew I was gay from a young age and kept it secret for obvious reasons. When I became a teenager I was practicality a recluse. The fear of being found out was terrifying for me. Those were very dark days for me and I became very depressed. I had a few friends, but could never talk to them about my sexuality. I did tell my mum when I was sixteen she was very upset and kept it from my dad and sisters. I went to college still feeling very lonely and isolated. I found some self-help books actually quite helpful and I gain some confidence. Eventually I went to a young gay mens meeting and It was brilliant. I met a really good friend and we really click. That gave me the confidence to come OUT to people that were close to me. I made quite a few friends at college and had confidence to be me. At home it was not so good my dad took it very badly. He did not speak to me for two years then died suddenly of a heart attack. This was very hard for me. By that time I had a lot of confidence in myself and had friends around me for emotional support.
Sorry I feel I am rambling about my life history. I am relatively happy I am now in my forty’s I have been in a loving relationship for 18 years. But still find it difficult to meet new people I do have a few very close friends. I still suffer with panic attacks. Lucky my partner helps to calm me down. My partner is also social awkward. My friends are his only friends. He is worst than me if that’s possible. The difference between us is that I worry about it he dosent.
Hi Tony. I also feel afraid to let people get close to me and find it very hard to make friends. How did you overcome this? Just let your guard down and let people in? Im scared of betrayal. Its good that you have a lovely relationship with your partner. My partner is also very supportive and lets me tag along with his friends, which is a good start for me. Best wishes.
Hi
I don’t know whats wrong with me. About 18 months ago I started to feel sick when I went out to eat or to a bar. This was not every time.
However its now getting worse, to the point that I never want to go out and eat. I start to feel sick, I get hot, I can’t find my breath.
What can I do about this.
Alex
Hey,
I’m Stu and I’m a twenty-eight year old Guy.
Firstly Alex, I have had so much trouble with GP’s thatIi would hate to advise you to visit yours only for you to be stuck on tablets and then left. Perhaps weighing up how you think they may treat you (if they are friendly or noddy-heads!) or getting help through this Website, do it, sd it now and then you can have things nipped in the bud quickly and don’t give up, try alternatives like relaxation therapy and self-help as well, don’t wait and suffer for twenty years, like some of us have, Good Luck!
So, twenty years, I’m 28 now, a good-looking lad with a Brain, unfortunately, I suffer from multiple personality disorders and depression too, as a result. When I was seventeen, I learned that downing five pints within, say, half an hour, would take away the symptoms, consequently, I’ve had problems with frink and drugs ever since. I just read another person who said that they were on their way to a good caeer but now they’re trapped in a tiny bedroom with parents, who whilst kind, don’t understand! Exactly the same for me, I have also had terible luck with GP’s and psychiatrists over the years, some have even seemed to find it funny. I haven’t a clue what to do now! I lost all of my friends a couple of years ago, I left my job in 2006, a year after thinking I had solved at least the Social Phobia, my sweating and stuttering stopped, I no longer worried that I smelt (I didn’t, I t was a psychotic problem, whereby you don’t realise that it is in fact an illness making you think these things). Now I flit from woman to woman, aimlessly, cry if I see a guy my age with kids, I have multiple problems including OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder, which make treatment very hard, it’s nigh on impossible to get anyway.
However, I know it won’t be a matter of months, but I hope to feel well agin by my early thirties. Anyways, to anyone who feels they are developing this illness, DO NOT let in win, otherwise it can rob you of a life very easily, if you think you are developing it then try everything and anything (and don’t stress yourself out if something doesn’t work or give up) try something else). I’m going out today and I don’t care, be honest with yourself, do you really notice other people that much, Please don’t allow it to win, Alex or anyone.
Good Luck,
Stu,
Oh, so many mistakes in that message, I wish I had taken the time to proof-read it, still, I suppose that’s a form of Social Phobia Too!
Stu,
And sorry, Alex, it sounds much more likely that you’re suffering with panic attacks, which whilst a symptom of Social Phobia, if this these are the symptoms, feeling sick, not being able to breathe, crying, feeling hot, needing to be on your own all of a sudden, that maybe a blessing in disguise, it may not be full-blown Social Phobia, I don’t know, but Panic attacks are much more easily treatable than full-blown Social Phobia, so to stop you developing it, please get some help now!
All The Best,
Stu,
Hi i have suffered from Social Phobia for as long as i can remember. Last year whilst reading one of my magazines someone had wrote a comment in and it was exactly how i have been feeling all these years, once i found out it was a Social Phobia i have been researching it ever since and feel as if i cant tell my GP because i’am frigtind incase he thinks i’m making this up. I’m 18 and didnt have a very good time in school i know people thought i was weird. I’m in need of help as i don’t think i can go on with this much longer.
Lauren
Hi Lauren,
You most certainly aren’t on your own with this – many people develop social phobia in their early years (from as early as 8). We can help you get support from a therapist if you are interested in this, and don’t worry about approaching your GP – 1 in 4 consultations are about mental health problems and he will have seen things like this many times. If you feel able to, give us a call on 08444 775 774, or if you don’t feel comfortable doing this you can use our live chat service (found on the ‘online support’ tab on the homepage of the site. Don’t give up, there are lots of ways you can be helped and this won’t last forever.
Best wishes
Cat
(Anxiety UK)
I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as shy. Perhaps I’m not the most outspoken person in a group situation, but I’m not scared to voice my opinion.
I was a perfectly happy, confident child. I had no problems during school or through university until the third year, when I went on a teaching placement abroad. I’d gone to quite an isolated part of the country because I believed it would be the best way to learn the language; total immersion. It was more difficult than I thought, exhausting at times. I’d gone for a drink with some work colleagues and one of them made a joke about my language abilities. I’m sure he didn’t mean to humiliate me, but I was suddenly aware of everyone’s eyes on me. I blushed, which was everyone noticed, and from then on my problems began. I started to become quite miserable and soon the slightest thing would trigger an attack.
That was five years ago. Since then I’ve had one period of complete recovery which lasted about six months. I graduated and spent some time in another country. I fell in love, had new experiences and I suppose I forgot all about it. Then as soon as I returned to the UK it started again. Since then there have been extended periods when I’ve felt OK, mixed with times like the present when I wonder if I’ll ever overcome it. The ups and downs are usually happiness related.
At the height of my problems I couldn’t go to a shop and ask an assistant a question. I’d hate going through airport security in case the bleeper went off and I became the centre of attention. I couldn’t eat at a table with my family without having to run out and get a glass of water every ten minutes to allow myself to calm down. These days I’m much improved, although I find it hard to enjoy social gatherings. I’m OK in small groups, but if there is anyone there who I don’t know I start to feel uncomfortable. I’m scared of blushing because I don’t want their reaction to me to be negative. I know that my closest friends try hard to understand what I’m going through, but I don’t think they ever really will. I get upset with myself because it’s frustrating not being able to control my body’s reactions.
One thing I have never done is let any of this control the choices I make in life. I’ve always gone for the jobs I have wanted and have become successful in my field of work. I’m a teacher (of adults), so my job involves standing up in front of groups of people and being the centre of attention. I usually manage OK, but if I have any problems then I’ve found that it’s best to be honest and tell people the truth: ‘I’m anxious and this is what happens, so if you see me blushing don’t feel uncomfortable because I can’t control it.’ This tends to make me feel more comfortable and combat any future attacks, because people are generally nice and they will try to understand.
I believe that I am a likeable person. The misconception that I am shy really frustrates me. I don’t blush because I’m shy, I blush because I’m scared of blushing! It’s a vicious circle.
Hello Kerry! Have you seen the listing on the homepage about an online support surgery on Tuesday, 5th April at 7:00 about social phobia and blushing? Perhaps you could get some helpful information there: http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/2011/03/members-online-support-surgery-being-held-5th-april-at-700-pm/.
All the best!
Terri -AUK
As another person on this site has said, most people would think that I am outgoing and social. I think this is because for the most part I manage to put on a good act, for the rest of the time I just avoid social situations as far as possible. My favourite excuse at the moment is that I haven’t got the money to go out and I feel such a sense of relief when I get away with it. This relief is so great that even when the event that I have quickly backed out of is taking place, a birthday party for example, I feel so happy that I’m not being put through the ordeal that I’m not even sad that I’m sitting in alone on a Saturday night. I’m almost smug! If I could stay inside forever I think I probably would.
Other symptoms are blushing immeadiately if strangers start talking to me, which I can feel happening and which therefore makes me feel embarressed. This happens at work, in shops, even with family sometimes. Some people enjoy higlighting the fact that you’ve turned bright red, which just humilates me more. I would NEVER contemplate public speaking, I’d been asked to do a presentation before at work and I burst into tears in front of my manager.
I’m 29 now and this has been going on since I was about 18. I’ve missed the majority of my 20′s by staying indoors watching TV. I try to tell myself that I’m just the sort of person who enjoys being at home but I think I am fooling myself and I need to get some help and support before I have children; I’d hate to pass my difficulties onto them.
I did used to be far more anxious than I am currently, if my boyfriend tried to get me to go out with people that I didn’t know I would get very stressed for days, even weeks, before the event. I remember many occasions where I would be crying as I was getting dressed, working myself into such a frenzy that it would be impossible for me to go out.
I have managed to make a few friends (mainly the partners of my husbands friends) but now that I have that small social circle I am finding it hard to push myself into making the next steps of being able to mix with new people, make new friends or accept offers to social events. I think because I hold down a job and seem ok outwardly, I can easily convince myself that I haven’t got a problem. I hope this is my first step to admitting that I do have issues and that I don’t want to live the rest of my life in the safety of my home.
If anyone who is reading this who, like me, tries to convince themselves that nothing is really wrong, that you can’t be that bad, or that you’d feel like a weirdo if you admit you have a problem then I hope you’ll consider getting help as I am going to. I’m fed up of living this way.
hi, i have a friend that suffers from this. she really really want’s it to go away, but she can’t face telling her parents or going to the doctors or seeking any medical help. she cant even face writing on here, and ive tried to help her out but i really don’t know how she feels and what i can suggest. she used to be really happy all the time and used to like answer all questions in class and just have a genuinly good time. but recently shes been having the symptoms and shes done her research on it and she thinks she has this. what do you suggest i can do to help her in any way? any help i would be greatful for. thanks.
I can relate, putting a comment on here was a big step but i am way to nervous to talk to anyone face to face about it, if she wants to chat im here x
Well first off I must say that this site is a revelation. For years I have thought that I was some sort of freak, some kind of weirdo who was totally alone. The truth is I’m shackled by a condition so acute that I seem unable to function in society like a ‘normal’ person; the people I saw and knew around me, work colleagues, friends and family. I thought I had some kind of clinical shyness that was all consuming. It is only recently that I have discovered the condition ‘social phobia’ or ‘social anxiety disorder’ and realised that I have it.
Suddenly I am not alone. That’s a really big and important statement for me. I am not alone. Of course I am not a freak or some kind of weirdo. I have a condition that has affected me since childhood and as I matured into an adult, gradually got worse. I’d like to think that I am a reasonably bright and fairly well educated human being and yet I seem completely unable to function in social situations. In fact any social interaction, whether it be at work, during leisure activities or just socialising in general, are an incredible challenge and one which I fail at day in day out. Even close friends (and there aren’t many, understandably) and family are not exempt from this condition.
I can virtually never relax and look out at the world. Instead I am constantly looking inwards at myself and evaluating everything that I do. How I walk, talk, eat, look, dress. What I say and how I say it have become all consuming. I no longer have any confidence in saying anything, even when, on those rare occasions, I find I do actually have something to say. Often I am lost for anything to say at all. And having lived with this condition for years I have almost come to accept it. I am anxious with everyone, just some less than others. That’s no way to live a life.
It has affected my working life. Despite this I have held managerial positions with a great deal of responsibility. However each and every day is a challenge, almost an unbearable one. The one thing I find particularly distressing is the lack of respect from my staff. Anyone suffering with this condition will understand what I’m saying. The inability to be assertive and confident makes you weak. In the eyes of staff this is a weakness that they use to their own advantage and just have little respect for you, even though you may well be very good at all other areas of your job. I tend to settle into a job and stay put, so I don’t have to go through all of the unsettling getting to know people scenario over and over again.
It’s just so hard to deal with. The feelings and beliefs of being worthless, unloved, no body likes me, I’m not a friendly person, low self esteem, no confidence, everyone’s looking at me, dissecting me, sneering at me etc etc are almost overwhelming. My social life is non existent. It was easier when I was younger as I used alcohol as a crutch. However 10 years a go I gave up drinking as I was virtually an alcoholic. The net result though is that I’m finding it impossible to relax and enjoy other peoples company.
The next step is finding help. I need help and want it so I can salvage some sort of life out of the remainder of my time on this earth. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for listening.
I’m so glad I have read all your comments.
I wouldn’t say I’m house bound so to those that have got to that stage I feel for you more than you know. I would say I’m quite a friendly person and will attempt to talk to most people but I do struggle with nerves on a one to one basis. This is the least of my problems thou, I hate being watched in any way to the point where I start to shake uncontrollably. The last time I tried to do a presentation at work I made my audience more awkward than me by my sweating, shaking and blushing. A lot of what I do at work involves being observed and it has got the point where the only way I feel I can get through the day is by having a drink or two, I’m am not particularly fond of alcohol so you can gather how desperate I’m getting. I’m about as low as it gets at the moment as most of my work colleagues are going for jobs I would love to be able to go for but I know I would fall to pieces or even be physically sick if I attended an interview. I would also love to marry my boyfriend one day as I love him like crazy but the concept of a big white wedding or even a small affair fills me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I know nerves are a good thing in moderation but I just feel so different from everyone else I know, even attempting to talk to my boyfriend about it hasn’t helped as he is a fairly confident person and just cant relate.
Ashley
the video posted on this site really made so much sense every single thing she mentioned i went through and continue to go through i am currently seeing hypnotherapists but so far as much as i have to look on the postive side of believing i can rather than i can’t i must admit i still find the anxiety lurkes around me like a shadow even when you’re trying to ignore it or pretend it’s not there it still persists damn it! can gp’s refer me to cbt even though i myself am on benefits i do see psychiatrists and they did offer help with various medications and i must say none have worked and there must be so many i have tried numerous to mention, i do depend on alcohol a lot as it does relax me and gives me the change of mood and release the inhibitions and nervousness and to ultimately socialise as where normally i tend to runaway rather than converse or face people and this really annoys me because the fact is i want to be sociable and not feel so alone but feeling akward uncomfortable nervous and fearful to me is the worst thing in the world to go through but this dependency on alcohol is in itself causing problems so i know this is not the answer, my hynotherapist insists my mind needs to re-programme itself but is a long tough struggle and i cannot help but feel as much as i hate to say it the problem will remain as if there is no cure and looking for a miracle to remove this terrible mental condition just seems very much a pursuit rather than an acheivable goal.
i can relate to most ppl on this site.i myself have suffered from social phobia since i was a teenager im in my thirties now and it isnt getting any better. every post ive read feels as if its my story again and again. talking to ppl,friendships,employment are all very very difficult. Before this site,i thought i was the only one in the world to suffer from this strange thing but after reading nrly all these posts i find comfort in knowing im not the only one.
my only question is how do we get get better? anyone have any ideas? plz help beacuse this is a very crippling condition.
sarah (surrey)
I wrote about my experience of social anxiety on here a few months ago. I have good and bad periods. Sometimes it goes away completely, but at the moment I am struggling to cope. I recently started a stressful job and this is not helping. I’ve realised that after six years of trying to cope with this alone – apart from an unsuccessful visit to my GP, who sent me to counselling (on my request because I didn’t want to go down the medication route) and after one session the counsellor thought I knew how to help myself! (I think my anxiety was confused with depression) – I think I need to seek some therapy. After reading about cognitive behavioural therapy, I feel that this could be very useful to me. I don’t usually live in the UK but I am working in London over the summer, so I would be keen to see if I can access services in the SW15 area. If possible I would like to know if therapy services are available online or via Skype, as it’s difficult to see an English speaking therapist in the country I usually reside in. I would be grateful for any advice you can give me. It’s difficult to find time to ring the helpline as I am always at work during this time. Many thanks.
HI Kerry,
I have emailed you about this from my Anxiety UK address.
Cat (Anxiety UK)