What is it?
This disorder has also been nicknamed ‘Imagined Ugliness Syndrome’ as sufferers of the condition have an irrational preoccupation with a perceived body defect, either present in themselves or in others; the latter being dysmorphophobia by proxy.
BDD sufferers cannot accept that their fears of their perceived body defect are out of all proportion, and frequently seek plastic surgery/other measures in an attempt to rectify the perceived problem.
DIY self diagnosis
If you can answer YES to most of the questions it is likely that you are affected by BDD.
Over the past 6 months:
- Have you felt disgusted by a particular aspect of your body?
- Did you feel that a part of your body is abnormal?
- Did you spend a lot of time examining/scrutinising your appearance?
- Did you avoid looking at yourself in mirrors, windows etc.?
- Did you feel that other people are looking at your appearance or are disgusted by it?
Anxiety UK strongly advises that people seek further information and guidance from their GP who will be able to make a formal diagnosis.
How we can help
Anxiety UK is a user-led charity with more than forty years experience in supporting those living with anxiety. By becoming a member of Anxiety UK, you will have access to a range of benefits, including:
- Access to reduced cost therapy within two weeks of submitting your therapy request
- Access to our helpline (available Monday-Friday, 9:30 am – 5:30 pm) staffed by volunteers with personal experience of anxiety
- Receipt of four issues of Anxious Times, our quarterly members” magazine
- Access to the members only section of our website, featuring regular support surgeries facilitated by anxiety experts
- Access to specialist helplines, including the psychiatric pharmacy helpline and the psychology information helpline
And many, many other benefits that will help you manage your anxiety long term. To become a member of Anxiety UK click here or ring 08444 775 774 today.
Want to know more?
The Anxiety UK site has information on a range of resources to provide more detailed information and help.
“Overcoming Body Image Problems” is a self help book based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). You can purchase it online in the Anxiety UK shop by clicking here.
Anxiety UK Publications
- Anxiety UK publishes a fact sheet and audio tapes dealing with BDD available from the Anxiety UK online shop
Recommended web sites
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Anxiety UK relies on donations to keep its services running. If you found this information useful please make a donation – no amount is too small.
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Personal experience
Do you suffer from BDD and want to share your experience with other people? Post your personal experience in the comments box below where it will be sent to our moderator for approval. Many people find this part of the site very useful when trying to understand their disorder so your comments really do make a difference. Please note, all comments submitted to the Anxiety UK website may be used by Anxiety UK for (but not limited to) publicity and promotional material.
As far as I can remember I have always been conscious of my blemishes and scars; hiding my face behind makeup and shunning away from bright lighting.
I never let anyone see me without makeup because I feel naked without it. I feel that I am ugly and people will judge me. I have always heard comments that people find me pretty, but they see me behind the ‘mask’. This obsession rules my life. I can’t be seen without makeup; I can’t go underwater when I swim. My fear would be to have to remove my makeup in public. If I am having a very bad blemish day, sometimes it will prevent me from going out, especially in daylight. I feel stupid and I know to family and friends it sounds absurd, but they just don’t understand me. I feel alone in the way I’m feeling, but I’m sure other people are suffering to. I always believe if I could get rid of this problem my life would be so much happier and easier. It is my plight. I am even thinking of laser surgery, but am too scared to show my face to the surgeon and I am also worried about having to leave the hospital with no makeup. I’m lost.
Lara
I discovered that I had BDD at christmas.
I was told that I had depression but I knew it ran deeper than that. I had been teased about my nose and I tried to take an overdose on several occasions. It took its toll on me at xmas when one night people teased me and I took another one.
At the time I was gutted that I had woken up the next day and I could see no other way out. I wanted to punish the people who left me like this. Had it not been for them I would never have done it and I feel so angry at them for doing this to me.
It was after this that I went to see a counsellor. At the start I just told him that I was depressed but I could not tell him my inner most secret, which was that I loathed my nose and that I felt disgusted in myself and that I felt like a freak. He told me that it was depression and I was put on medication whilst continuing to attend counselling. At this time I was at my lowest; I couldn”t go out and if I did go out it would only be when it was dark so that no-one could see me. I watched where I was sitting in a room, hoping that nobody noticed my nose. I still do this and don”t think that I could stop doing this until I get plastic surgery. I always think about having it done but at xmas time I was obsessed with the idea.
Over the next few weeks I felt as if I could talk more about my feelings. I looked up personality disorders on the net and I came across a BDD site. I was overjoyed when I found out what was wrong with me, and that I wasn”t the only person who had these compulsive and disturbing thoughts. I stopped taking my tablets in March and I felt better. I still have the same the same repetitive thoughts and actions, like checking and trying to make myself as decent looking as I can. I hope in sharing my experience of BDD it helps others.
Lisa
I have just read some letters from sufferers of BDD and I can relate to everything they say as I too suffer from this illness, and have done so since childhood.
I didn”t know there was a name for the way I felt about myself until later on in life. I am now 52 years old but as a child I always felt different and awkward. I thought that no-one liked me and that I was being talked about and laughed at. I was also extremely self conscious which I think was due to having an illness that caused a problem with my lungs. I never liked myself and the way I looked. My Mum always made me have my hair cut short and I hated this. Even though she probably didn”t realise at the time how this could affect me later in life, I believe it is because of this that I have such a hang-up about my hair now; if it doesn”t look right, I won”t go out. I feel very ugly and spend hours in front of the mirror checking my hair and my shape. This all makes me very depressed and I have bad thoughts about ending my life. My family have reassured me over and over, as has my partner. I”ve been called “beautiful” and I”ve also been called “ugly”. I am therefore confused about my appearance because some days I feel a bit better about the way that I look and can go out, whilst others it only takes a small comment from someone to really knock my confidence. I seem to rely upon people”s judgment of me and I have even asked complete strangers “why are you looking at me and laughing?”
I am getting more agoraphobic and will only go out with my partner now because I”ve had some bad experiences and my confidence is very low. I have a beautiful granddaughter and 3 grown-up kids who are wonderful, but they all have their own lives and I don”t like to constantly ask for their reassurance and bother them with this problem. It makes them stressed and they cannot deal with it at times.
I am a member of Anxiety UK and reading their booklets helps me a lot. However, I long for the day when I can forget myself completely and think of much more important things. The only assurance I have is that I am not the only one with this problem and my heart goes out to all that suffer as I do. Perhaps when I”m an old lady I might be able to have a bit more fun and maybe accept myself and be happy.
Thank you for reading my personal experience. I don”t suppose I have helped anyone but I do think of people in the same position as me and wish I could help in some way. Take care.
Barbara
barbara,i,ve just read your experience and i identified with it so much – the bit about the hair actually made me laugh as i suffer, and have suffered since being a child. my mother kept my hair short too and i have an obsession to this day-it drives me mad!i feel i waste so much time worrying about what others think, then i feel bad as i know there are others with much worse problems than me.i too am ages with yourself and i just want to get on with enjoying whats left.so thats what i,m working on.its been a lifetimes work!take care
Ive just come accross your comment and can completly identify with the hair thing> It drives me insane. Ive just recently been diagnosed with bdd but finding it difficult to let it sink in. My hair too was kept short by my mum, and now i am completly obsessed by it. If its not right i cant rest. Feels like im going round the bend sometimes xxI constanly worry about what other people are thinking of me x
I can’t believe this! I felt as if I was reading about myself!! I too have been called beautiful, but not so much as ugly, but: you are so red – what is wrong with you?! It does not help that I have put weight on and therefore look like the very person I wish I did not look like – mother!!! My face is rounder now and it used to be longer. I have no need of blusher – that tells you the colour of my cheeks! I don’t wear makeup at home but that is because my darling husband seems to find me cute!!! I cannot have my picture taken because when it is, I just can’t stop looking how awful I look and it confirms my uglyness. I am so ashamed of this, because there are far worse things going on in the world!!! I just HATE the way I look.
I”m 23 years old and I suffer from BDD as a result of having a problem with cystic acne on my face.
The acne started when I was around 14 years old and since then my life has been complete misery. I used to be a very confident outgoing lad before this and I was very popular with girls. I can barely remember what its like to have “normal”, clear skin but I remember feeling good about myself and being happy with the way I looked at one time.
I am fully aware that other people probably still see me as a good looking person, but when I look at myself I hate the way my skin looks and I don”t want to go out. I became obsessed with picking at my skin, making it look even worse as my skin was always raw with scabs. All this happened at a very important time in my life when I was at school and college. I remember really not wanting to go into college looking the way I did and feeling so down. I was not aware that BDD existed but looking back now I was exhibiting symptoms a long time before I realised that I had the problem. I was constantly in the bathroom scrutinising my face and washing to try and make myself feel “clean”. I became very depressed and avoided going out with mates because I felt so down about the way I looked. BDD has completely ruined my life and I”m extremely angry and bitter about it as I was planning to go to university after college but I could not cope because of all the problems the BDD and acne have caused me. It is a very serious problem that needs more attention from health professionals because young peoples” lives like mine are being ruined. Since leaving college I have been severely depressed, attempted suicide twice and things are not getting much better. I find it hard to hold down jobs, I can barely make eye contact with another person, I make excuses to friends to avoid social situations and most of my time is spent alone boiling with rage about how this has destroyed everything for me. Life is literally not worth living.
Health “professionals” class BDD as being preoccupied with an imagined defect or problem. Severe acne is by no means an imagined problem, it is very real to the person and no one would be happy with pus exuding from every pore in their face. What other people think is totally besides the point because it is about how the problem affects the person involved. I am very angry about the disorder being classed as a form of hypochondria. The reality is I have a real problem with my skin which anyone would be annoyed about. It is not as if I have imagined the problem. Just because people cannot see that it looks that bad is not a scale to measure the severity and seriousness of the problem. I want my life back.
Matt
Hello Matt, I hope you dont mind me contacting you, I know this was wrote a while ago. Its just I am experiencing the same thing as you, and what you wrote is as if I wrote it myself. I never leave my house without make up because of my spots, even if I have 2 or 3 spot I feel ugly. I put a face mask on at home so my parents cant see my skin. I hardly ever go out because I dont like people looking at me, I have had this since i was about 11 and im 23 now, I just cant even bare to look in the mirror but for some reason i feel compelled to look like almost ever half hour i guess to check for improvement. I even got to a stage where I counted my spots. I wont go anywhere with bright lights, like a shopping center at night time. I dont wear anything that will draw attention to me and if i do go out i will look down and not make eye contact with someone, as i feel they will look around my face at my spots. Sorry for rambling on lol, Im just contacting u as It would be kool to speak to someone who understands. Thanks, Zoe
Hi Matt,
I don’t know if you’re still reading this. But, I’ve struggled with the same thing. I also have cystic acne. Even on better days, I still struggle with my appearance. My heart goes out o you. If you ever want to talk man, I’m here.
Hi Matt/Zoe
I am so glad smebody else has the same thoughts as I do – The state of my skin ruined my life until I went on Roaccutane and I was promised my skin would clear up. It did for a year, and then they came back and I am 24 and so miserable. I have had BDD for a long time and the main issue is my skin (and my weight as I think I am too thin and this stops me going swimming or going out in summer), I have tried to argue that I cannot be imagining my bad skin as I can SEE in the mirror that my skin looks bad so therefore how can it be BDD as it is clearly visible?? I have become obsessed with my skin and when it gets bad I find myself just looking in the mirror up to twenty times a day checking to see if they have gone down. Every so often I keep thinking that they will have gone down, and then I end up disappointing myself again when I realise my skin was just as bad as it was half an hour ago.
I force my mum to tell me how many spots she can see on my skin in whilst looking in the mirror so I know that this isnt imagined – so that when I go to the doctors and they tell me my skin “isnt that bad” I can prove it to them that it is. I made them refer me back to the dermatologist so I can go back on roaccutane and they have given me another course of it but I have only been on it two weeks so far- so if they put me on a drug for “acne” it MUST be bad so why do people lie and tell me it isnt!. I look at which part of my face people focus on when they speak to me and if they look away from my eyes I know theyre looking at me skin and I start feeling so paranoid. When I came off roaccutane the first time, I felt like a different person and my skin was fine. I was much more confident and happy and I feel so so so angry my spots have come back
This meant that the only one thing I ended up obsessing over was my weight as this has always been the main problem for me and I was devastated when my skin started gettng bad again. It is a vicious circle and I am driving myself mad – I am having therapy and I am on medication but I just seem to be getting worse as I am scaring myself that it has come to this. I am scared of how bad I may eventually get as all I want is normal skin because nearly EVERYBODY else I know who is my age has normal skin.
SInce I have been going to therapy, I have realised there are many other things apart from my skin that I obsess over – now I realise people with BDD are prone to “masking” certain areas of their body to disguise others – I think that backcombing my hair will distract people from looking at my shoulders because I think they are too small. For the last 4 years when I noticed my soulders in this way I have backcombed my hair and I didnt even realise I did this to disguise my shoulders until now!! I have just had enough now and I am trying my best to function normally but I am missing out on so many things because I spend half my life in the mirror “checking” “checking” “checking” I know I am not ugly, but I cannot be sociable and feel comfortable without feeling comfortable in myself, and people do not understand this and call me ridiculous. I feel well and truly ridiculous.
I found out that I have BDD this week.
I was feeling down about my skin because I have picked at it so much these past weeks that my face is covered in red sores and scabs. So I was trying to find ways to break habits – as i put it down to a bad habit. I came across an article about OCD and skin-picking was mentioned. I then bought Brain Lock – a self-help book for overcoming OCD. In this it mentions skin-picking as a form of BDD.
Today I have read about this book and discovered I have all the signs of BDD. I am glad to know that I have this because it”s a starting point to coping with the problem/condition.
I have been living with the skin-picking for 14 years now, obssessing over it everyday. I always felt ashamed of it, embarassed, depressed and moody. As a teenager I wanted to die because I couldn”t deal with having to go to school like it, but knew I had no choice.
I would stay in my room so that nobody could see my face. When I am out, I wear my hair down so it covers some of the scars and marks and open wounds. Then I will just feel dirty, and I will check my face everywhere every chance I get – this could be every 10 minutes on bad days. Then I will wash my face every few hours when I get the chance.
I hate people looking at me and I feel self-conscious about my skin and about people thinking I am strange when they talk to me. I hate the wind blowing as it blows the hair off my face, so I walk along, trying to pull my hair back over it.
This problem has caused me a lot of problems. I dropped out of college twice when it got too bad too go in and I have taken days or weeks off work or college so I didn”t have to face anyone. I also turned down an opportunity to be a teen model because I never knew when the bad days would happen and I dread having photos taken. I cancel days or nights out and I don”t interact with people the way I want to. I can”t wear my hair up even though i”d like to and I won”t wear certain clothes because I feel it will draw too much attention to me and I don”t want to be looked at. I don”t like to stay at people”s houses because I need to have total control over the bathroom, etc.
People must think I am mad and I get really upset about not being able to be myself because i”m so afraid of what people are thinking about me. Everyone comments on how pretty I am, but i”d rather they didn”t because it draws more attention to me. I hate to walk down the street because men look at me and I hate it because I think of how disgusted they would be if they were closer up. Some people think I say these things because I like the attention and I want more compliments, but this is not the case.
On good days, I will only have one or two small sores on my face. However, the scars are there still and to me they still need to be hidden. I will spend a little less time worrying and washing and grooming but I will need to constantly check even if it”s just feeling my face. I have never gone more than a few hours without touching my face.
One of my main regrets about this problem is that it preoccupies so much of my time, and I feel I do not give enough attention to my two young children and my partner. This causes a sense of guilt that can be so overwhelming it causes me to repeat the destructive behaviour again and again.
Some days – the bad days when my face physically hurts and the sores are very apparent, I don”t even like my kids and partner to look at me. I get moody and am easily upset or agitated. It”s bad because I love these people so much and I can”t help my behaviour.
I have to wake up at 6.30am so nobody sees me before I have had a wash, put on my make-up and straighten my hair. The obsession has controlled and still controls my life and at 27, I want this to be dealt with so I can begin living.
Cheryl
Hello Cheryl, I hope you dont mind me contacting you, I know this was wrote a while ago. Its just I am experiencing the same thing as you, and what you wrote is as if I wrote it myself. I never leave my house without make up because of my spots, even if I have 2 or 3 spot I feel ugly. I put a face mask on at home so my parents cant see my skin. I hardly ever go out because I dont like people looking at me, I have had this since i was about 11 and im 23 now, I just cant even bare to look in the mirror but for some reason i feel compelled to look like almost ever half hour i guess to check for improvement. I even got to a stage where I counted my spots. I wont go anywhere with bright lights, like a shopping center at night time. I dont wear anything that will draw attention to me and if i do go out i will look down and not make eye contact with someone, as i feel they will look around my face at my spots. Sorry for rambling on lol, Im just contacting u as It would be kool to speak to someone who understands. Thanks, Zoe
I know it eats me up.
I can not go out without makeup; I feel the skin on my face is disgusting and I sit and squeeze and pick at it and make a real mess of it. Then I have to stay in the house all week, not answer the door or phone, looking compulsively at my skin and/or taking pictures of it with my mobile phone camera. I will take work off sick or college. College is easier to not attend and I have dropped out of so many courses, I ruin my own life.
I need constant reassurance and when I”m feeling down about my skin I will repetitively ask my partner what my skin looks like, does it look bad? How bad etc. etc. I drive him crazy. I have missed so many things, nights out, events, etc. because of this.
I fear and think about what would happen if we had a fire or something happened in the middle of the night and I would have to go out with no make up and people would see my face bare with the large scabs I pick or scars that are there. I think what if someone close to me was in an accident or died and I have to go to hospital, would I be a bad person to apply make-up first? I mean, I know I would, but how would I get round this, or to be truthful, how could I hide this? – that I would be an hour or so before leaving so that I could wash and do make-up?
I have used a sun lamp so excessively on my face, without goggles, that my eyes swelled up so that I could hardly open my them. I went to the GP and was given some cream that would stop any infection in the skin.
I feel mental, and so stupid. Sometimes I say to people, my mum or partner, when I”m in for a week or so and skiving work, that I have BDD, but I don”t think they understand what I”m trying to say or what it means. They tell me to stop picking. I tell them I can”t and then tell myself its ok, because by next week my face will have healed and I promise myself I just won”t do it again. But I do. If I HAVE to go somewhere, I”ll put a plaster over my scabs. People just think I”m wacky and vain. I think seriously about going to my GP – but they are quite old school, they”d make me feel I was vain and a hypochondriac. I have other stuff that I go to the GPs with quite a bit and I”d be sure they”d think I just want attention.
I don”t. I just feel so stupid with myself. I hate myself. I”ve got to stop it. I”m 28 and never will get anywhere if I don”t. I”ve got an interview next week and just am hoping my scabs will be healed by then.
Hannah
I feel exactly the same as you.
However, i am 19 so i still have time to sort myself out.
Not a day/hour goes by that i don’t pick up a hand mirror and look at my face, most of the time i want to burst into tears because of the sight of it. I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself and can only dare face the public with makeup on. Even sometimes when i have my makeup on i still feel like people are looking at me, disgusted. My makeup takes hours to do because i’m never satisfied. I do and redo my makeup several times before i leave the house. And leaving the house doesn’t happen often.
When i do venture outside, i am obsessed with checking my makeup and will check out the corner of my eye in every mirror, window i see. If i happen to notice a mark showing on my face when i look in a mirror i will immediately want to go home and stare at the floor until i do get home.
For the past year, my life has been restricted to inside my house and sometimes if i’m feeling up to it, i go into my garden – but even then i think in the back of my head that the neighbours are looking at me disgusted. I only feel comfortable because my overlooking neighbour suffers from adult acne, so i feel she won’t judge me.
I left college because it would take until 2pm to get ready for college and my attendance because of this was awful. Or sometimes i would be outside college in the car and just couldn’t face getting out – constantly checking my face in the car mirror.
I stopped going out with friends because i always took so long to get ready – looking in the mirror while i tried to do my makeup, disgusted with myself.
Everyone around me, family, close friends say there is nothing wrong with my skin, just a few spots and a bit of red around my nose, but i honestly see my face as hideous.
I could never, ever leave the house without makeup on.
I hate answering the door. If the doorbell rings i hide which makes me feel pathetic.
I don’t even like answering the phone for some weird reason.
My aunt and uncle have this habit of just walking in the front door without knocking which catches me off guard and gives me no chance to check my face in the mirror before i can look at them which means i can’t look them in the face until i’ve checked how bad my skin is in the mirror.
When i’m out with my mum ( she is the only person i will allow myself to go out with ) i am constantly asking her to check my makeup. “Does my skin look okay?” I will ask her several times in the car on the way to where we are going ” Are you sure it looks okay? You wouldn’t lie to me would you?”
It drives her mad.
Then when we are wherever we are going to i will take frequent trips to the toilet to check my face in the mirror. If there are no mirrors/reflective surfaces where i am, i panic.
Even if there are mirrors, i still ask my mum how my face looks. ” How does my face look in this light mum?” “Do the bumps show when i stand near the window/in the sun mum?”
I know i’m not an ugly girl, but when i look at myself all i see is how disgusting my skin is.
In 3 years i have hardly left my house, then last year we moved house ( partly for a new start ).
My whole life revolves around my skin. Every part of it. I’m obsessed with what i eat and drink in case it makes my skin bad. I don’t let anyone touch my face, I even turn away my brother when he kisses me goodnight on the cheek in case him touching me makes my face bad.
I am so, so much better than i was a year ago. I can now look at family members without makeup. Before, i couldn’t even talk to family members or look at the in the face. I walked around my house with my head down and if someone looked at my face for too long i would get upset.
Even as i am writing this now, in my head my situation doesn’t seem bad. I feel like what i do is normal, but when i read it back to myself i sound pathetic and it makes me realise how bad i am.
I think if anyone knew how bad i really am, how obsessive i am, they would think i was crazy.
My mum keeps telling me “if you’re that bothered by a few spots then go to the doctor”…..
But going to the doctor means walking out in public. And the doctor will want to see my skin without makeup on and the only plausible way i think i could do that is if i took my makeup bag with me, wore makeup to the doctors, took my makeup off when i got into his room and reapplied it before i left his room.
But that would mean not leaving his room until i thought my makeup was perfect. And that would take hours.
I hear the statistic that 80% of people my age have spots of some sort, but i can never see any. When i am out, i never see people with bad skin. I feel like i am the only one.
I am sick of my life revolving around how my skin looks but i honestly don’t see a way out right now. I live day by day. I don’t make plans because i can’t keep to them. Whether i go out one day depends how my skin is on that day, so i can never arrange to go somewhere in the future because if on that day my skin looks bad, i can’t go out.
I live at home right now. No college, no job.
I can’t get a job because i would never be on time.
If i had to leave for work at half past 8, i would need to get up around 5am to do my makeup and prepare.
I’m too old now to go to college and get my A Levels because i will have to pay.
Someday, i would love to get my A Levels and go to University to get into teaching. Find a man, settle down, get married, have a couple of kids – be happy. But how can i go to university if i can barely look at myself in the mirror without critisising myself. How can i find a man and settle down when i feel like nobody will love me if they see my face without makeup.
It feels like i’m trapped.
Plans for the future seem like only my wildest dreams.
At the moment, all i can do is live day by day.
Hello Hannah, I hope you dont mind me contacting you, I know this was wrote a while ago. Its just I am experiencing the same thing as you, and what you wrote is as if I wrote it myself. I never leave my house without make up because of my spots, even if I have 2 or 3 spot I feel ugly. I put a face mask on at home so my parents cant see my skin. I hardly ever go out because I dont like people looking at me, I have had this since i was about 11 and im 23 now, I just cant even bare to look in the mirror but for some reason i feel compelled to look like almost ever half hour i guess to check for improvement. I even got to a stage where I counted my spots. I wont go anywhere with bright lights, like a shopping center at night time. I dont wear anything that will draw attention to me and if i do go out i will look down and not make eye contact with someone, as i feel they will look around my face at my spots. Sorry for rambling on lol, Im just contacting u as It would be kool to speak to someone who understands. Thanks, Zoe
I have just been diagnosed with BDD.
I am 25 years old and I have always thought I looked ugly 24/7.
I have dark circles round my eyes and I am close to actually finding out if I can bleach my skin to get rid of them, even make up will not cover it.
I haven’t got any idea what to do now. I feel like I am in a different body from what I was when I was younger.
There is nothing wrong with plastic surgery as long as you are wanting it for the correct reasons. Cosmetic surgery is something that is best taken in with deep consideration. There are multiple questions to ask yourself. Do you really need the surgery? Will it make you feel any better than how you feel now? Are you going to want additional procedures because the surgery was not “perfect?” You and only you are capable of answering these questions.
im 15 and i have BDD. i never talk to anyone about it because i wouldn”t know where to start or how to explain how i feel. and most people would just be like “your a teenager you all think theres something wrong with the way you look” but i know its so much more than that.
i hate the way i look so much. i can sit infront of a mirror for hours just looking at myself and picking at my skin and telling myself how ugly i am. if my hair doesn”t sit right i hit my head with the hairbrush. if i don”t think i look right i won”t go to school. i hate getting close up pictures taken and i can”t stand when people come too close to me because i feel they will be thinking about how i look. when my friends are just joking around i take anything they may say about how im looking so seriously, even though they don”t mean it and if they knew then they wouldn”t do it. i constantly have to touch my face and hair to make sure my eyeliner hasn”t dropped or my hairs not come out of place. i use my phone to take pictures of myself and then criticise them. i compare myself to everyone else all the time, and get so jealous of how pretty they are and ask myself why i can”t look like that.
i just hate the way i look so much.
i know how you feel, i used to get spots as a teenager, and still do at nearly 50. I sit and pick my face too, i go in a trance like state when i am picking, it really does my head in, because i know i am not helping. I have even got anti biotics from my gp ,but they don’t work, because i keep picking, it’s catch 22.
i haven’t been diagnosed with BDD but my partner told me to check it out because i have such a hatred for myself. i tear my face appart because of my spots so now i have loads of scars not just on my face but the rest of my body too.
since i was tiny my grandma always called me fat n that i was gettin big n eventhough i’m a size 12 i cant help seeing a big person in the mirrow nothing looks right on me i feel i look huge in everything. i get myself so upset and angry sometimes my make-up wont go right or my hair won’t stay in place, it stops me goin out of the house n i wont go out of the house if i dont have make-up on. i feel like a freak sometimes, my partner tries to boost my confidence by telling me am beautiful n thin i surpose it helps sometimes but i cant help feeling ugly.
I have found these replies really hard to read. I suffer with anxiety and depression and have done seemingly all my life. My anxiety is fueled by ‘what people think of me’. I worry that I look to fat, then the next day to slim. I worry my hairs standing up, any spot I get I think it’s obviously huge. I feel my bum is huge, I can feel it wobble as I walk! Every building, window, mirror I walk passed I have to double check. I compare myself with EVERYONE unfavourably. I can wear one top one day and love it, the next I think it makes me look pregnant. I have skin tight tops and huge oversized ones. . . depending on my mood. I dont like eating in public, I binge at home. If I feel fat I eat more, If I feel thin I eat less. I feel like my stomach is huge, like I have a double chin one minute and then a skinny neck the next. At this point let me just say that I am a 22, a size 8-10 and on the whole have a clear complection. Recently I have started picking at my earlobes, each time they scab I pick them, they have to bleed and hurt until I feel satisfied. I am so scared. I feel out of control. I know it is irrational, which means people dont understand. how can a bum that fits into size 8 jeans be huge….but it is. I feel like if I say I think I have BDD people are going to think I am being dramatic. I dont know who to go to. I feel trapped!
Hi there, This is my first visit to this site, Ive read all the other experiences that people have had and have only found your comments to be ones which i can relate to! i haven’t been diagnosed with BDD but the way i feel most of the time would suggest to me that i have it. like yourself, some days i feel fat some-days i feel thin. i can where a outfit one day and feel great and the following week feel like a fat ugly stupid person. many days i stay home simply because i feel i look awful and everyone outside will stare at me in disgust, i go through my entire wardrobe only to end up in jeans and a t-shirt,Its very frustrating..Considering this,once i am out of the house,I dont really give my appearance too much attention although i constantly check myself out in reflective surfaces and get a little conscious if im walking into a crowded place. this bit is going to sound crazy but i genuinely feel that my head is too small for my body<my legs are disproportionately too short,my back is hunched and that i look like a 45year old women.i try to talk to friends about this and sense that they regard my worries as vanity as they consider me to be the "pretty friend". I am 33 and like yourself do not suffer from bad skin,people always tell me how pretty i am and some days i feel pretty too. but most days i wish that i didn't have to leave the house ever again.
I found out i had BDD just a couple of weeks ago, i’ve always been shy and retiring but it was slowly getting worse and worse as i started my GCSE’s. Now i’m 18 and my artwork is going to be exhibited in my uni show in a couple of months and i’m petrified. Since i was small i’ve always been worried about what the other children thought of me and i’ve constantly been bullied, i felt differant, a freak. My family don’t help with the situation, i can’t tell them that i suffer from BDD because they’ll dismiss it like i’m making it up, there is a serious case of favoritism, my sister is the golden child that can do no wrong, she is treated like a princess and her every wish is granted on a whim, while i’m made to do her share of the chores… it is an accepted fact in my house that i am the fat, ugly, sister while my sister is the belle.
I feel blessed that i have a boyfriend who thinks i’m beautiful and fights everyday to make me see so. I am a bigger girl. I am a size 12-14 but with stupidly large breasts that make me look bigger, i’m constantly lectured by my sister that my best isnt good enough; that i should wear more make up than i already do, wear better clothes and cover myself in fake tan. I’m not influenced by my sister as she is a horrible, shallow, self centered person
i struggle everyday to go out at all, Sometimes even taking four hours to get ready to go out…I told my supposed friend that i had BDD and he did nothing but tease… i dare not tell the others now
I have had BDD for years, I am now 28 years old. I cannot go out or even lean out my windows or answer the door unless I have full make up on and my hair done. I have bad skin, and pick at myself a lot too.
My mother has even actually completely disowned me due to her inability to understand my condition. This Christmas, myself and my husband were visiting her, and my Gran had been poorly. (not life or death, just had a fall and was a bit shaken.) My Gran was staying with my uncle about 3 miles from where my mum lives. My mum doesn’t drive and her partner was at work, so we offered to take her over to see my Gran. I went to put my face on and my mother flipped out, she said I was a disgusting selfish person, and that it was lucky my Gran wasn’t dying as I was more interested in doing my make up. She knows I have this condition, but won’t believe that it is real. I explained that I was doing it as quickly as possible, and that my husband could drop her over there without me and then pick me up once I’d finished. She was already to vexed and basically threw me out of her house, and disowned me on the spot. She said she never wants to see or hear from me again, which is fine by me, as I do not need her poison in my life – we were doing her a favour anyway, as she can’t drive, and what would she have done if we weren’t there??
Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I can fully understand what everyone on here has said.
I hope everyone can find some strength and positivity.
xxx
i totally understand what you’re going through. Im 15 and my mum recently kicked me out because she didnt understand my condition.
You don’t need her and if thats what she thinks you’re better off without her.
xxx
I’m only 13 years old and I just discovered there was a name for how I felt. Most girls didn’t wear makeup when I started, (11) and at that time I wore full foundation, contouring, and everything because I’ve always been self conscience about my skin, nose, eyes, lips, and eyebrows… Everybody also tells me how skinny I am and stuff like that, but when I do look in the mirror, I see this ugly girl looking back at me. This year I’m even taking it farther by getting plastic surgery…(rhinoplasty, skin laser, and maybe blepharoplasty). But I didnt know it was a disorder…
I only just found out there was a name for this thing, I’m fine in make-up but I have to cover my body constantly and I know I’m not fat, but I feel fat. If you want to talk, I have every social site possible, I’d be happy to talk to you? I’m 15, so I won’t patronize you like an adult would.
Elle.
For years now I am obsessed with my looks.
I am 23 year old male.
I genuinly hate myself most of the time.
My obsession with my eyes is ruining my life, they are to wide apart and I am always worried I have sleep in my eyes.
It sounds pathetic, my mates think I’m weird.
I genuinly panic if Im not near a mirror.
I always check to see how bad I look.
This has affected my work, college, in fact every aspect of my life.
I used to be confident and like myself, I have gone from being charismatic and popular to a dark negative person who drinks a lot, but people don’t understand how I feel.
I have found it helpful writing this.
I feel for all of you.
Dominic
i have always known that i am not good looking but never really accepted it. about 7 years ago i think i developed bdd but have never been diagnosed. i used to have to go and look in the mirror no matter what. i would disappear from work, sometimes for hours but the urge to get away, be by myself and just stare in the mirror was strong enough to not care about the consequences. things got worse when i was posted away with the army. living in a four man room with nowhere to get away for six months. i just went completely into myself. i would never talk to anyone or admit to having this condition so just got through day to day but completely isolated myself and was worried only about what i looked like, constantly getting away to check in the mirror. in my time out there i obsessed about getting plastic surgery. on my return i arranged my leave when i got back to have a month off before moving to a new unit. in that time i got rhinoplasty and a small chin implant done thinking that that would be the start of my new life and i would be happy from then on. i now regret that descision. i wish i could go back and change it but i can’t. i never told anybody that i had plastic surgery done and was supprised that no one realised (except my sister i think but she has never said anything). i still can’t stand how i look but have grown tired of trying to fix it. i think back to before i got this condition and i know i am a different person now. i used to be like the rest of my family, be sociable and enjoy myself but now i work from home and have no interest in friends or family. i am wierdly quite content and have found my way to deal with this condition which has faded with time is to cut myself off emotionally and physically from others but do think how my life would have been different if i didn’t feel this way.
Hello I am a 22 year old woman, and since the age of 12 have had a severe hatred about my skin and the size of my nose. It began at high school(mainly boys) i was bullied and teased for these things that i could not change, I would usually put on a brave face and be upset in my own time, as not to be even more humiliated. Years past and i began to think i had “grown out of it”, when i was 17 i met someone and we had a baby, i have been with my partner for five years, post natal depression overcome me and again the anxiety returned. My mum just refused to believe in any type of mental illness and was dissapointed in me, i havent spoken to her for 3 years. My relationship has been like a 5 year sentence, I’m constantly complaining and scrutinizing my abnormal features, of course he says I look good, but over the past 3 years hes started mentioning my nose and acne scars in arguements, telling me that its my own fault, i should try to look better “because other women do”, i’m not a golddigger and i dont expect anyone to have to pay for me to feel better but he doesnt have a job, I cant afford to look “good” like he wants me to and doesnt have time to talk about my problems,not to mention he gets quite aggressive and when i compare myself to celebrities or friends, his usual reply is that they try harder than i do to look perfect. Everyday i wish i could just had my nose and skin normal, lots of people have told me my imperfections arent there, but i know there lying.I know alot of people are suffering and like you all im going to find that path that leads me out of this misery. God Bless
I’m so embarrassed about my weight and I’m not even fat. I’m 5″3, 15 years old and about 8stone. It’s getting out of hand, I cover myself up a lot. I feel abnormal and I refuse to look in a mirror. I’m glad I’m not alone, but I hate others suffering. You’re all beautiful guys, we’ll get through this.
I have never been told that I have BDD but what I have heard about it matches me. The only difference is that my flaws are very real whereas other people with BDD are really good looking with imagined flaws.
I am an 18 year old male. My eyes are lopsided (the right one is further forward than the left). I have scarring on my face because I used to have really bad acne. Also I am afraid to smile because my front teeth aren’t straight. Because of this I am afraid to leave the house and see people except when I go to college. I feel that I am too ugly to be seen. I feel depressed sometimes, especially when I am stuck at home for a long time e.g. college holidays. I can’t really form a picture in my mind of what I look like to someone else which is frustrating.
When I approach someone I know they always smile and seem happy to see me as though I am normal. How do I know that they are not secretly disturbed by my face.
I have tried lots of counselling sessions but they have had no effect whatsoever. I hate feeling like this. What should I do?
Hi Matthew,
Most people with BDD think they have real flaws! I think the main issue here is not whether there is a basis for how you are feeling, it is how you feel about the way you look. It seems from your email that you are being quite hard on yourself and as someone who is certainly far from perfect (I myself have crooked teeth, unsymmetrical face) I think there are other ways you can value yourself, not everyone conforms to an idealised version of perfection but we can learn to appreciate and value ourselves. You also seem to be discounting information that is positive; people talking to you, seeming happy. Falling into the ‘mind reading’ trap of thinking that any of us can truly know what someone else is thinking is common for people with anxiety problems, if you saw someone with crooked teeth and acne scars how would you feel towards them? Why would they be any different? There are specialist treatment centres for BDD in London under the direction of Dr David Veale, and Anxiety UK also offers CBT which might help you look at yourself in a more balanced way. You could take a look at the ‘Overcoming BDD’ book in the shop in the first instance as it may help you to further identify ways that you might be coping that could be changed.
I hope you find the site a useful source of support and information
Cat (Anxiety UK)
you are not alone .
My skin rules my life and has done for 20 years, my life is empty and repressed because of it, I have a pointless lonely empty existence.
BDD is nothing more than a curse. It afflicts the sufferer with a constant plague of obsessive thoughts about their appearance.
If you thought rationally about BDD you would find it ridiculous how it torments a person to scrutinise themselves constantly. BDD is a horrible mental illness, misunderstood by people as little more than vanity about how they look.
I’m a 22 year old male and have BDD. I find my teeth disgusting, yellow and wonky, my nose too big and the fact that I wear glasses is a nightmare.
When I’m speaking with someone I will imagine that they are looking at these above mentioned flaws, and judging me on them.
I feel as though I have got absolutely no confidence whatsoever, compounded by BDD, and I am revulsed that I have never had a proper girlfriend.
Rationally, I am not an ugly person, but as I have outlined, BDD is not a rational illness.
I have noticed that with increased anxiety in my life the symptons of BDD raise their ugly head again, and I find myself succumbing to its compulsions.
However, I am so enraged about this illness to make the stand that it will not destroy my life. Yes, it may haunt me at the moment, and has done for a good two-three years, but why should it drag me down with it? If I allow myself to bow to BDD’s negative talk, what does that make me? A bully victim. I think what needs to happen here is everyone with BDD needs to just say, ‘Enough is enough, you will dictate to me no longer, and these thoughts are just ridiculous’. I think your mind will get the message sooner or later.
Why should we be ruled by BDD, something that has only negatively advised and insulted us? Why don’t we all just tell BDD to shut the hell up?
Warm wishes,
mark
hi,
i am writing on here as i only now realise the true extent of how much BDD is effecting my life and the people in it.
i am 26. i am around size 16 in my head but a size 10 in real life. today my boyfriend of 5 and a half years left.
i read what you have all written and i know i dont need to explain to you. you all know already. but i hope it may help me to tell you my tale. 2yrs ago i took charge of my body and lost 2stone. any normal person would be happy with that, be proud to lose that and keep it off. me…no. this new body never looked right. my body before didnt look right. what can i do to make it right? clothes dont work. fashions never suit me – EVER.
now, i have not been to my GP – times before i have started to try and explain but you just get fobbed off for being stressed. ‘things will get better’ they say. they are not better. look what has happened. he always told me i was beautiful. he said he couldnt understand why i would think any different. he made me throw away my baggy tops to try and help build my confidence. it didnt work.
i have just found this website. it is the first time i have started looking for help. i have no idea where to begin. i hope that this is a step in the right direction.
thank you. good luck to everyone.
I am in the same situation, and have been since I left college. I was always self-conscious on and off in my teens, but other things took priority and I didn’t really notice, now that I am older (23) it is really starting to become a disorder, so much so that I feel some days I cannot face the world.
I was bullied at school (because of being poor and not wearing “cool” clothes) and became introverted and stopped taking part in PE/Drama/group activities (and before that I was a really sporty/outgoing kid).
To get over the bullying/lonleyness I started drinking and taking drugs at a young age.
I recently stopped all that and try to live a normal life, but I am constantly held back by my face.
No matter what I do I cannot make myself attractive. I see an ugly person in the mirror. First it is my eyes, then another day it will be my nose, then my ears and another day my mouth. I can see no redeeming features at all.
When I catch sight of myself in a shop mirror/in public I am horrified. It is not the person I want to be. I would find someone who looks like me ugly and unattractive, repulsive even.
It is weird because my parents did not look that ugly to me. I don’t know why I was “born bad”.
It means I have to avoid big social circles, cannot go to dinners or big events for the fear of being photographed (I come out appallingly in photos).
My mum and some of my ex-partners have called me “handsome” and “good looking” but I know they are trying to make me feel good. I am not attractive by any means.
I wish I could talk to someone about this and there was help. Every time I mention it to my family they say I am “self obsessed” but now I have learned it is a disorder I at least have some comfort that I am not alone, but it gets worse every day and I often say to myself “the only way out is to die”.
I don’t know why I should suffer when life is such a struggle and everyone else is attractive. I cannot be who I want to be because of my ugly face.
I don’t know if writing about it will help but I’m crying right now I just took 55 pictures of myself trying to take a profile picture for facebook (which I haven’t changed for over a year now because I hate every picture of myself) and just ended up bursting into tears I hate my nose so much my friends have told me there is nothing wrong with it and they would prefer to have my nose than theirs but I know there is it’s really huge and there is a massive bump in it and I just want to give myself plastic surgery or break it I’m so upset over my face and I’m so so jealous of other women… I don’t have any other problems with my appearance it’s just my nose and I don’t know if I have plastic surgery the problem will go away. I can’t look at people in the street anymore because I’m so self conscious I never go out without make up and hair extensions I have been single for two years because I’m such a jealous person and I want to be anyone except myself I just hate the way I look so much and it’s so hard I don’t know what to do I’m already on medication for depression but I still cry every day.
Fot the past few years of my life ive suffered with depression on and off, but at some point very severely. i think about doing awful things to myself but never do because im scared of the pain. i once cut my wrist a few months ago it was the first and last time, it didnt actually do anything..i didnt feel relaxed afterwards i felt ashamed i had done something i’ve always said in the past is sick. I don’t do that anymore but a few days ago i realised i have Body Dysmorpic disorder! in the past id never let any one see my stomach. i’ve had phobias about going to the beach or swimming pools because of it. i find i am so jealous of skinny people too! i would never be seen anywhere in a bikni .. when i try them on in the changing room i feel sick and usually cry and think of ways i could eventually afford liposuction. As a young kid i was bullied for being fat. one boy said he couldnt be my friend anymore because all his friends would makefun of him hanging out with the fat kid. and now in my teeens i feel i’ll do anything to hide my tummy..even though nobody bullies me anymore and id never go anywhere without makeup either. Its seriously affecting my relationship with my boyfriend of two years.. im 16 hes not allowed to touch or look at my tummy and i know its abnormal and im really embaressed about it. i want to be like a normal person for him because its not fair on him for me to be like this. Id much rather be skinny than anything else! All my problems and confidence issues would go away! i completly loath being the way i am! i’ve got to the point where i really really want to change and getting this all out on this site was the first time ive really discussed this with anyone. i feel so much better, knowing that all theese other people are in the same boat. Even though people think were vain and my dads always calling me self obsessed and it really hurts because thats not what its like for me. i dont always look atmyself because i think im amazingly pretty. the complete oposite infact! I have had weeks and weeks off school where i’d be scared of everyone seeing me and seeing how ugly and fat i was. I hated going into school cryinga nd upset coz people always say when people cry its for attention so i jsut refused everymorning to go to school and locked myself in the bathroom for hours to hide from everyone.now i’m starting 6th form in septemer i really want to be different. I’ve never tried medication..my mum said that wont help- shes into everything natural but i know i need help! i want to do well, so how can i change? whats the first step for me?
Hi Katy
Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time at the moment. Have you spoken to your GPs about the anxiety? Definitely speak to your GP if you are concerned about you weight and appearance. There is nothing to be embaressed about being who you are. We are who we are !!
Anxiety is often triggered by irrational thoughts and beliefs. These thoughts then trigger our body to react and also change our behaviour. So the first thing I would suggest is to change the way you think about yourself and possibly people around you. Thinking more positively will ease the anxiety level. Also, building your confidence and being confident around people will also ease the anxiety. Are you interested in doing volunteer works? It is a good way to meet new people and build your confidence, also something to put on your CV. I am sure your boyfriend understands how hard it is for you. Think more positively and be more confident. Please call us on our helpline to speak to one of our volunteers about your anxiety.
Andy